Don't we love our Luhyia brothers/sisters?



Omwami at bar in New York :



Man on his right says, "Johnny Walker single"



Man on his left says, " Peter Scotch single"



Omwami says, "Wekesa Johnstone Married"







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Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20, 000.00; is it okay?



Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay ...but how much is



Driving salary...







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Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, couz it gives light at



Night when light is needed; And Sun gives light during the day when



light is not needed!!!







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Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the



Other to check whether it’s working. He puts his head out and says,



"YES...NO... YES. ..NO...YES. ..NO...







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Omwami shouting to his girl friend, "you said ati we will register our



marriage but you cheated me. I was waiting 4 you yesterday the whole day in the



post office!!!







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Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:



Omwami 1: "Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .”



Omwami 2: "He Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!"







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Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:



Interviewer: "Who killed Gandhi?"



Omwami: "Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start



investigating. .."







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Omwami sat for an exam. But, he had studied only one essay 'FRIEND' and in the exam



the essay which came was 'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in



the essay and it read:







"I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers



are Male and some are Female. My true father is my neighbor."







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Interviewer: "What is your qualification?”



Omwami: "Sir I am PhT.



Interviewer: "What? Do you mean by PhD?"



Omwami: (smiling) yes poss," Passed High School with Tifficulty."







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Mwalimu: "In which state does the Nyando flow?"



Omwami: " Liquid State ..."



Audience clapped.



Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All were Omwamis...!







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Shinotsi walks in to a Restaurant and wants to order a chicken, but



Unfortunately he can't remember what chicken is called in English. The



Waiter who wants to take his order is only English proficient.



Shinotsi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4



boiled eggs on it. Shinotsi points to the plate of eggs and says to the



English waiter:







“I want their mother!"

@Jangwa la Jangili, deadly!
So where are lesbians from...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman has an affair during the day while her husband is at work.Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'

Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$150'

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: 'Dark in here'.
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: 'How much?'

The Boy says:'$350'
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: 'Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game.'


The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $500.'
The Father says: 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that... $500 is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins.'

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Priest says: 'Don't start that sh!t again!'

THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT
YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE

How Fights Start.......


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

================


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Men Are Like
..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Learn To Speak Japanese In 3 Minutes Japanese: Wai So Dim?

English: Has your flight been delayed?
Japanese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Japanese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Japanese: Hia Dei Kum

English: Your body odor is offensive
Japanese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Japanese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Japanese: Ai No Pei

English: Stay out of sight
Japanese: Lei Lo

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Japanese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Japanese: No Pah King

English: Is there a fugitive here?
Japanese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Japanese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!
Japanese: No Bai Nut Ting!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Japanese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Japanese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

Next, Jimmy Gathu will invade your Facebook wall...


Aunty/Uncle...eeeh...wewe hapo kwa computer….... ati unajidai uko kwa Facebook eeehhh!!!........ Na je?, huyu jamaa huwa mna inbox naye.....unajua yeye hu-inbox wengine kama wewe??....Kuna njia moja tu ya kuepukana na hiyo kukanganywa , wachaneni na mpango wa inbox..... andika kwa ukuta.....!!!!!!!!!!!

White weddingdress

A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looked at her son and replied: 'Son, this shows friends, relatives and others that the bride is pure.'
The son nodded his head, thanked his mother and went off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?' the boy asked.
The father pursed his lips, rubbed his chin and thoughtfully looked at his son, then said:
'Son, all household appliances originally came in white.'

A Kikuyu couple both aged 37, went to a sex

therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished having the intercourse, the doctor
said "There is
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.", and
charged them
Ksh.1400.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, and pay the doctor then
leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly, what are you
trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She is married and we
can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go
to my house. At the
Guest House they charge Kshs2500. At the hotel they charge
Kshs4500 .We do
it here for Kshs1400, and I claim it back from Medical
insurance.