No1: A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. **************************************
No2: A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." **************************************
No3: A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"
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No4: Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
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No5: A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ************************************
No6: An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" **************************************

“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”

“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.

“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.

“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”

“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”

“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!” So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

“Hi there,” says Steve,”It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”

“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”

Steve stared at him in horror & screamed “Shit! THAT’S THE WORD!”

Dear Sweetheart/GirlFriend/ Partner/Whomever you are,

1. Between Thursday, June 12 and Sunday, July 13 2014 you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.


4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the phone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying 'one' game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or not, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.

But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

10. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?' because, the reply will be, 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

11. And finally, please save your expressions such as 'Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Super 14, Spanish League, KPL, Grand Prix, Tri Nations, hell, even WrestleMania, etc.


P/S

By the way if you get stuck on the road call 999 or Red Cross.

Thank you for your cooperation.

What to expect in forthcoming kcse mock exams.

6. State and explain the differences and similarities between speed governor and county governor (20 mks)