A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the
floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry
with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his
surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads:
“Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave
early to buy groceries. I loveyou.”
He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told:
When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots
and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady!
Leave me alone… I’m married!”

KENYAN ASSASSINS FACEBOOKING.

WESTGATE VALUABLES UPDATES: "Manze hawa wasee wa KDF ni vigeugeu LOL!"

MINERAL WATER: unajaribu kusema aje mboss!

VALUABLES: nasema tulitoka kwa madrawers na mashelves za westgate, tukapanda mathree mpaka kwa makeja zao. Nyinyi mineral water ndio mlibebwa kwa zile mapolythene bags ama?

MATTRESSES: @valuables, manze enyewe mko na point, iyo story mi nashuku. Mi pia ole lenku alisema ati mi ndio niliua alshabaab manze. Niliwashika nikawachoma WOTE, sita kati ya hao tano walikufa!

BILLBOARD: pwahaha! Waah afadhali nyinyi, mi nilichukua gun nikashoot gari ya wetangula

BULB: @billboard, unafaa usharpen skills zako za kushoot boss, ulinilet down mbaya!

BILLBOARD: mi ata niko confused, sijui nilimshoot ama mi ndio niligongwa, nimesahau hata, nimeshikwa na ukidero.
Btw @bulb, we ni alshabaab??

BULB: @billboard, shhhh me ni alshabulb, usiniseti! Mi ni bright widow, si ndio wale hu-cause blast na bado tunalenga!

KIMAIYO: #following

#VALUABLES REMOVES POST.

Jaduong'

Once Kiprotich was traveling in a train from Nakuru to Nbi. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train KShs 100/= to wake him up when they arrived at the station. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for KShs 100/ enyewe Kiprotich surely deserved more service. So, when Kiprotich fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When they arrived at Nbi Railway Station, Kiprotich was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw himself in the mirror. Said his wife

"What's the matter?"

He replied "The cheat on the train has taken KShs 100/= and woken up someone else!!"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive
disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE… TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I’m not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I’d hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Maombi ya Manchester United(Stolen)

Baba tunakuja mbele zako siku hii ya
leo. Baba tunakutambua, wewe ndio
mwenye uwezo, mwenye nguvu na
mwenye hekima isiyo na mipaka.
Baba sisi ni watenda dhambi na
tunajinyenyekea na kusujudu mbele
zako leo hii kukuomba mambo
yafuatayo.
Kwanza Baba tusamehe kwa kushabiki
Red Devils miaka hizi zote, hatukujua na
tunajipiga moyo konde kwa imani kuu
utatusamehe kwa sababu wewe
umejawa na rehema tele.
Pili tunakuomba Baba umtume malaika
wako wa uponyaji, malaika Raphaeli
atunyunyuzie maji ya painkillers ili
maumivu tuliyoletewa na Moyes yaishe.
Tatu Baba tunaomba utume radi tatu
kule Trafford. Radi ya kwanza imtandike
David Moyes hadi apoteze fahamu ili
tupate kocha mpya.
Radi ya pili Baba imtandike Ashley
Young na kumrusha kwenye maji ili
awe samaki asirudi uwanjani tena.
Radi ya tatu umtumie David Moyes tena
ili ihakikishe amepoteza fahamu vizuri
Ombi la nne Baba tunaomba mkono
wako unyunyizie Manchester City zile
baraka ambazo zilikua zetu ili hicho
kikombe kisiende kwa wale washerati
ya Merseyside au wale ma Pharisayo wa
North London ambao walimsulubisha
mwanao.
Ombi la tano Baba tunakusihi uwatishie
Gundogan, Reus na Juan Mata na
vitisho vya moto ya jehanamu ili watie
sahihi katika kitabu cha Old Trafford.
La sita Baba tunakuomba uwafanye
watu wote wa London wapoteze sauti
zao ili tupate amani na ladha yetu ya
maisha irudi.
La saba Baba tunakuomba uingilie kati
between sasa na May utuokoe kutokana
na janga la relegation, tunakuomba
utume malaika wako watubebe kutoka
katikati ya meza hadi nambari ya
4….ama watubebe hadi nambari ya 5
tutambea sisi wenyewe hadi top 4.
La nane Baba tuma uponyaji kwa miguu
ya Robin Van Persie na mood swings za
Wayne Rooney. Na iwapo Baba itatokea
situation ambapo Rooney atahama
tunakusihi Baba umnyang’anye nywele
tena.
La Tisa Baba ni asante kubwa kwa
kutuondolea Anderson, twajua wewe
hupata maombi mengi sana lakini
twakuomba kama itawezekana
uwafanye waliochukua Anderson
warudi na kuwabeba Evra, Rio
Ferdinand na kwa mara nyingine tena
David Moyes.
La kumi na la mwisho Baba ni ku
kukumbusha kuhusu lile ombi la Tatu,
tafadhali Baba usisahau kutuma hizo
radi.
Ni hayo tu baba, kwa niaba ya majeruhi
wenzangu tunasema asante kwa hivyo
vikombe vyote na usitusahau msimu
ujao. Sisi bado ni watu wako Baba.
Asante.