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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/9/2009 Posts: 2,003
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4lourBliss wrote:A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"  Win! !
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/19/2013 Posts: 2,552
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!" 
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/7/2012 Posts: 11,935
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symbols wrote:A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!" Torture galore; Ober mixed day & boarding high school In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins - cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later - H Geneen
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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4lourBliss wrote:A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?" Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your f***ing Ferrari then? Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A Luhya man calls KQ with a query. Shalakha: How long does it take to fly to Kakamega? KQ Staff: Just a second... Shalakha: Thank you [Hangs up phone].
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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@ 4lourBliss, yu av made my night. Lol
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Rank: Elder Joined: 7/11/2012 Posts: 5,222
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 9/24/2012 Posts: 63
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C&P HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE....It's pure Gold! lmao!! MY NAME IS KAREN , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME... NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED PERSHING HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A DOUGHBOY,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?' "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BIATCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH???" Above all, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/28/2006 Posts: 1,799
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In 1986, Dazza was on holiday in Kenya after dropping out of Broadmeadows High School. On a pissed hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dazza approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Daz worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face Dazza, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Daz stood frozen, shitting his pants, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Dazza never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dazza was walking through the Melbourne Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dazza and his son Brock were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dazza, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dazza could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dazza summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dazza's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant. Dazza always was a dumb c***. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
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