An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did thisto you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressedin an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll takecharge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.""Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and$2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remainedsilent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again."

C&P:

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife 'Ya know
sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station...

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

So from now on womon, when I say.......

'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
When I say... 'Bell two', jump on de bed.
When I say ' Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl.'

The next night he came home and shouted:

'Bell One!', and his wife stripped naked.
'Bell Two!', and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Three!', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out 'Bell Four!'.
'WOMON... What DA hell is ' Bell Four'?', he asked.

She replied:

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!'

Kyssee will you be my moon?

C&P

Deadbeat Nyeri version: Conditions of a Deadbeat Nyeri woman to her Baby Daddy.

1. Kama unataka kuniweka kwa hio gikundi ya Dedibiti tafathari hakikisha utaweka picha ya maana. Sio kuweka picha zagu za kitabo nikiwa murevi. Ama zile selfie nirijipiga nikichota maji. Weka picha ya maana. Na ukiweza kuiEdit ni sawa. Lakini isikuwe Brack and White. Razima urebo yangu ionekane. Sitaki kuaibishwo kwa mtadao.

2. Naskia munaweka number za mutu kwa hio gikundi ya Dedebiti. Na ni sawa, Naba weka. Sina shida. Rakini uweke ya Safaricom incase kuna mutu atataka kutuma MPESA. By the way hata ya Airtel ni sawa. Mama Kamotho arifugua Airtel Money hapo Kiganjo.

3. Kama razima useme turikosania nini,tafathari usidaganyane. Ogea ukweri. Sio kwenda hapo kutunga hadithi za kurebesha story yako. Ati dio uhurumiwo. Sema vire kurieda. Na vire urikuwa unanichapa. Kwa sababu bado nakubuka. Usiniharibie jina kwa mtadao. Hii sio movie.

4. Mutoto ni wa miaka tatu. Na kama razima utaje miaka yake basi useme tatu. Sio kweda hapo kudaganya kirindi ati mutoto ni wa miaka saba ndio ati isemekane nimemtupa hio miaka yote. Ni miaka tatu pekee. Na hata wewe unajua sikuwa na Kazi. Na dada yangu Nyambura alikuwa amezaa pia. Ni mutoto wa mwezi mmoja tutachuga ama ni mutoto wa Miaka biri??

5. Musidaganywe na huyo admin wa Dedibit. Ni jamaa najua sana. Hata mahari anakunywaga tumekunywa sana nayeye. Nikikuabia ware watoto amejaza Karatina utajitia kitanzi. Nyinyi edereeni kuchochwa hapo mujiabishe. Aguruki aya.

6.Kama ni stori yangu na irresponsibility ustick kwa hio story. Sio kupereka story za watu wetu huko. Ati kusema Kange’the anashidaga kwa chang’aa. Ama kusema ati nakaaga kwa mama yangu. Unataka nikae kwa Mama yako?? Mutu akae kule anataka. Bora asinyeshewe na mvua. Na usiede hapo ati kusema naobaga obaga watu pesa. Unataka niobe wanyama??

7.Tafadhari usinitukane kwa hio gurup. Ati unite sijui Bastard sijui anga sijui nini. Matusi wachia warevi. Refer to me na heshima. Mimi ni mama ya mutoto yako. Sio mutoto yako. Badara ya matusi kuja kwa Kamau tupabane kama Wanaume. Nύύ ύyu??

8. Abia Maina Kageni kama ata-discuss iyo story yagu kwa show yake ya Krassik asisahau ku-big up wamama wangu wa Chama. Kama atanitaja tafathari pia ataje Njeri wa Sonic, Kagendo wa PCEA, Wangari wa Bar, Wambui kadogo na Shiku wa salon. Na wakubushwe mimi dio nakura chama this month.

9. Haaaya unaweza post sasa. Na usisahau kuni-tag kwa hio update. Ah,hata sikuwagi Facebook. Tag Carol wa Boutique. Nitapitia hapo kwake jioni kusoma comments. Na tafadhari abia ware wata-comment wa-comment na kiswairi. Na waweke tu-comment tufupi tufupi…sio kureta setbook hapo. Nataka kusoma haraka haraka nitoe Githeri kwa jiko. Oh,an pia ware watu wata-LIKE ,tafadhari waabie wa-LIKE na Kiswairi pia.

Mimi wako mpotevu,

Mama Bradon (Na bona turiita Mutoto Bradon?? Hio ni jina ama ni Sabuni??! Nkt!)

eiiiiish!!

Pole Waf!

😂

MKENYA ANAPIGA SIMU KENYA AIRWAYS CUSTOMER CARE.

Mkenya; halloo,,hapo ni KQ customer care??
KQ.yes Sir hw may i help u??

Mkenya; aahm,,nlikua naulizajee,,kuenda London mnalipishanga hw much??
Kq. it's 120k to and fro sir,,so basically its 60k one way ticket!!

Mkenya;heee!!60 thousand,,mtu mmoja?? ok,,na ni Bei ya kuongea ama??
Kq.am sorry sir,,its fixed.

Mkenya.hakuna vile unaeza nikatia hata soo tano madam??ntakuona ya macho!!
Kq.am sorry sir,,corruption aint allowed and the price is fixed.

Mkenya;haki mnatufinyilia!!anyweh,,na mtu akisimama??bei ni the same bado??
Kq.am sorry sir but standing on board is not allowed.

Mkenya.aiii,,na si mm ndo nmejitolea,,kwani kuna shda gani??
Kq.as i said sir,,its not possible.

Mkenya.sawa,,na nko na mtoto wa dada yangu nataka kuenda na yeye,,naweza mshika kwa miguu ju ni mtoto sana hatanisumbua.
Kq.eemm,,hw old is he or she??

Mkenya;mdogo tu,,ako sjui kama ni fifften ama 16yrs,,lakini mahali hapo hivo!!
Kq.am sorry sir but u will have to pay for his ticket!!

Mkenya;lakini sio 60k si ndio,,ni kama ngapi ivi??5k??
Kq.No sir,,the price is the same as yours!!

Mkenya.aiii,,hata mtoto na nyinyi??kwani hamna huruma na watoto??ai,,sawa,,na nko na kamzigo nataka kupelekea rafiki yangu Kiprono,,si kubwa ni Gunia tatu za Unga ya mahindi na maharagwe na mbili za Avocado na paipai na mananasi,,lakini ntaziweka kwa boot ama znaweza toshea chini ya kiti??
Kq.am sorry sir but u will have to pay for your luggage.

Mkenya.haiiiya !!hata gunia nilipie??hw much??mia tano??
Kq.am sorry bt it will depend with the kilos sir,,but usualy one kilo goes for five hundred!!

Mkenya.mia tano??kilo moja??aiii,,
Kq.yes sir,,thats hw it is.

Mkenya.basi ka ni hivo wacha ntatafuta BUS za kuenda huko,,hio pesa yote kwani
Nanunua shamba ama nkifika ntakua Mzungu??baff!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous brunette at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place....

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye".