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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:Uhuru, Raila, Ngilu, Martha Karua.
Raila,uhuru, Ngilu and Martha Karua are travelling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a hard slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Ngilu and Uhuru are sitting there looking perplexed. Raila is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
All of them are diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Ngilu is thinking: These men are all crazy about Martha Karua. Raila must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel.Amefanya poa kumchapa kofi)
Martha is thinking: "Raila must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Ngilu instead and got
slapped!"
Raila is thinking: "Aki, Uhuru must have tried to kiss Martha Karua, she thought it was me and slapped me, isorait!"
Uhuru is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and slap Raila again lol, Ruto wont believe"  Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Nilikua na Ugali ya juzi na sikua na mboga...Nikadownload App ya OLX nikapiga picha then nikapost,after 2 days Mluhya Mmoja kutoka Bunyole akanipigia..akaja akaiona tukaelewana Bei na akainunua.. sasa nina pesa ya kununua mboga!! Asante sana OLX...
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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,237 Location: Vacuum
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washiku wrote:Uhuru, Raila, Ngilu, Martha Karua.
Raila,uhuru, Ngilu and Martha Karua are travelling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a hard slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Ngilu and Uhuru are sitting there looking perplexed. Raila is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
All of them are diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Ngilu is thinking: These men are all crazy about Martha Karua. Raila must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel.Amefanya poa kumchapa kofi)
Martha is thinking: "Raila must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Ngilu instead and got
slapped!"
Raila is thinking: "Aki, Uhuru must have tried to kiss Martha Karua, she thought it was me and slapped me, isorait!"
Uhuru is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and slap Raila again lol, Ruto wont believe" If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day" Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.” “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.” Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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I have seen this story somewhere...could this have been a Wazuan? I was hanging out alone in a bar on a Friday night. At around 2 a.m I decided to leave for my crib...no matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so I decided to hitch a ride. It starts raining, and then a prado stops next to me. I quickly get into the passenger side and close the door. The car starts moving and just when I was about to thank the driver I discover there was none! I started to freak out but I was afraid to jump out of a Moving vehicle. When the car got to a bend, a hand comes in through the drivers window and turned the steering wheel!! This happens twice but on the third time I became totally freaked out and decided to jump out of the car landing into a ditch full of rain water. I got up and ran into a nearby bar. After drowning four beers I narrate my ghost encounter to whoever cared to listen. Just then three guys came into the same bar, soaked wet, then one of them recognises me and starts laughing uncontrollably while pointing at me. Amid his serious laughter he says "si huyu ni ule Mlevi aliingia gari tukisukuma?
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 12/1/2008 Posts: 1,098
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A mad man at a mental hospital climbed on a branch of a tree and stayed there for half a day.Suddenly, he let go off the branch and fell full force to the ground. A doctor quickly came and asked him, "what happened? " The mad man answered, " I'M RIPE"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2007 Posts: 8,776 Location: Cameroon
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washiku wrote:President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President? TULIA.........UFUNZWE!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:A mad man at a mental hospital climbed on a branch of a tree and stayed there for half a day.Suddenly, he let go off the branch and fell full force to the ground. A doctor quickly came and asked him, "what happened? " The mad man answered, " I'M RIPE" Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/9/2009 Posts: 2,003
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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 A man ordered for a voice automated robotic car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school." The car went and didn't return in time as expected; they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw their car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their maid's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons. The Wife said to him, "Don't tell me all these are your children!!" The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?" Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Rankaz13 wrote: A man ordered for a voice automated robotic car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school." The car went and didn't return in time as expected; they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw their car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their maid's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons. The Wife said to him, "Don't tell me all these are your children!!" The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?" Masaibu ya Swenani...
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Have you ever wondered why many girls use smileys and short replies while chatting nowadays? Seriously, I have come to realize why most girls do. I was chatting with this babe yesterday and it was Like.... Me: how are you dear? Girl: 5n Me: how was ur day? Girl: 5n Me: how is your family? Girl: 5n Me: are you missing me? Girl: No Me: but am missing you Girl: tank Me: I'm not feeling well Girl: sowi Me: so how was ya day? Girl: 5n Me: are you busy? Girl: no Me: are you with someone over there? Girl: no Me: what? Why don't you type something interesting instead of sending me short replies? Girl: k Me: type something now! Girl: k Me: Ok! Ok so its true Girl: dat wat Me: I heard you failed your English exams... Girl: who telled you? ...where have sawed my resalts..k frm ur info .. I passed away. Me: OMG... That's ok. U can use smileys and short replies please!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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McReggae wrote:Have you ever wondered why many girls use
smileys
and short replies while chatting nowadays?
Seriously,
I have come to realize why most girls do. I
was
chatting with this babe yesterday and it was
Like....
Me: how are you dear?
Girl: 5n
Me: how was ur day?
Girl: 5n
Me: how is your family?
Girl: 5n
Me: are you missing me?
Girl: No
Me: but am missing you
Girl: tank
Me: I'm not feeling well
Girl: sowi
Me: so how was ya day?
Girl: 5n
Me: are you busy?
Girl: no
Me: are you with someone over there?
Girl: no
Me: what? Why don't you type something
interesting instead of sending me short
replies?
Girl: k
Me: type something now!
Girl: k
Me: Ok! Ok so its true
Girl: dat wat
Me: I heard you failed your English exams...
Girl: who telled you? ...where have sawed my
resalts..k frm ur info .. I passed away.
Me: OMG... That's ok. U can use smileys and
short replies please!! hahahahahaha... This is true story. There is this lady who was my best friend in high school. Found me on one of the social sites and decided to sound me out. however, I bet she used her child to write to me or something.... and it was full of all these unblvble, hi(the smiley)skul, load of crap! I hate those things....
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Employer: Why are you asking for such a high salary and you have no experience in this field? Otieno: Well the job is much harder when you don’t know what you are doing
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food & goes to check out... The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog & he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring & show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Indian goes home & returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. The following week, the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the Manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy & immediately pulls it out...!!! He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell...!!! This is shit, U Idiot...!!!???" The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please...???"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/20/2008 Posts: 6,275 Location: Kenya
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Wendz wrote:McReggae wrote:Have you ever wondered why many girls use
smileys
and short replies while chatting nowadays?
Seriously,
I have come to realize why most girls do. I
was
chatting with this babe yesterday and it was
Like....
Me: how are you dear?
Girl: 5n
Me: how was ur day?
Girl: 5n
Me: how is your family?
Girl: 5n
Me: are you missing me?
Girl: No
Me: but am missing you
Girl: tank
Me: I'm not feeling well
Girl: sowi
Me: so how was ya day?
Girl: 5n
Me: are you busy?
Girl: no
Me: are you with someone over there?
Girl: no
Me: what? Why don't you type something
interesting instead of sending me short
replies?
Girl: k
Me: type something now!
Girl: k
Me: Ok! Ok so its true
Girl: dat wat
Me: I heard you failed your English exams...
Girl: who telled you? ...where have sawed my
resalts..k frm ur info .. I passed away.
Me: OMG... That's ok. U can use smileys and
short replies please!! hahahahahaha... This is true story. There is this lady who was my best friend in high school. Found me on one of the social sites and decided to sound me out. however, I bet she used her child to write to me or something.... and it was full of all these unblvble, hi(the smiley)skul, load of crap! I hate those things.... I feel you @wendz. I hate those things too. Sometimes I don't understand what a young person has said. One day I forwarded some text to my wife, she replied and said "that message didn't originate from you". I asked her why. She said I never use those words... It was actually from one of my nephews. I wish I could find that message.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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washiku wrote:Rankaz translate
Typical Kikuyu mother...
Child: Mami eh!!
Mother:Yuuu
Child: Nihutire
Mother: ( still digging)Eka atiriri
Child: Eee
Mother: Mai mau mari hau ja na
kirai e
Child: ee
Mother: Woe thafuni hau bafu
withambemoko ee
Child: ee
Mother: Uke undie!!!!!!! I heard one today. 'nindathii muhagire mwana ' ngai!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 7/11/2012 Posts: 5,222
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Sauti 1:panuaa... Sauti 2:naogopa... Sauti 1:panuaa... Sauti 2:naogopa... Maneno yalitokea chumbani yakamfanya mpita njia ajisogeshe dirishani. Sauti 1:waogopa nini? Sauti 2:nitatoka damu nyingi. Sauti 1:kwani ndio mara yako ya kwanza? Sauti 2:ndio... Sauti 1:jikaze basi sikuumizi Sauti 2:aiiih! siwezi Sauti 1:kwani hujawahi hata siku moja toka uzaliwe? Sauti 2:ndio, tangu nizaliwe sijawahi kung'oa jino Mpita njia:(akasirika),"Usenge mtupu,mwatutia nyege bure,kumbe hii ni hospitali!!..ufala huo Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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