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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Women want men who can protect them but wakikatiwa na watchmen wanaringa tsk!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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washiku wrote:Women want men who can protect them but wakikatiwa na watchmen wanaringa tsk! Eish lol. Watchman, Banker, Doctor, Architect, Fisherman, Politician etc, are just careers. They aren't the Man. Iknowitwasajoke 
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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There is a supermarket in Kakamega going by the name "Mama Watoto Supermarket". Now, on top the supermarket, there is a bar. Don't ask me what the bar is called. BUT, a guy is drinking in that bar. His friends call him at midnight asking for his whereabouts, the guy was taken to task trying to tell to them to come over... "Niko juu ya Mama Watoto, kujeni mupewe..
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/29/2011 Posts: 2,242
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C&P, A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!" "Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least." Goethe
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Gathige wrote:
C&P,
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
 Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Jinsi ya kutambua talanta ya mtoto wako.. 1. Ukiona mtoto akitumwa anakataa kurudisha change, just encourage him. huyo atakuwa makanga. 2. Ukiona mtoto anaitwa anakataa kuitika,just...encourage him. huyo atakuwa waiter. 3. Ukiona mtoto anakatalia kwa karai ukimuosha, bas! huyo ni dere wa ferry! 4. Ukimtuma kila saa anaitisha za peremende kabla aende, just encourage him. huyo atakuwa karao. 5. Kale kanalala lala chini ya meza na viti na kujichafua, hako usikachape.hako ni kamekanika. 6. Na kale kanalala lala class, mbunge tunaye ama hatuna? 7. Ukiona mtoto hatokei class hata walimu hawamjui vile anakaa,just encourage him. huyo atakuwa witness kule icc . 8. Ule mwingine ana-angukanga anguka exam zote flat na bado hakufi roho...huyo mu-encourage kabisa! huyo atachezea arsenali 2030! 9. Ukiona mtoto hajui kama yeye ni wa mummy ama yeye ni wa daddy, wacha afuate line hiyo kabisa! hiyo line inaongozwa na kalonzo. 10. Ukikasirisha kijana wako alafu anakimbilia mboch kila saa, usijali. huyo atakuwa tu ka babake! 11. Na ukiona mtoto haogopi giza tangu azaliwe, mtunze hivo hivo. kazi ya manager inamngojea kenya power. 12. Ukiona mtoto anapenda kuuliza uliza vitendawili, twanga kabisa! come on! tabia gani hiyo hata wewe?Huyo atakuwa Raila💞
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:Jinsi ya kutambua talanta ya mtoto wako..
1. Ukiona mtoto akitumwa anakataa kurudisha change, just encourage him. huyo atakuwa makanga.
2. Ukiona mtoto anaitwa anakataa kuitika,just...encourage him. huyo atakuwa waiter.
3. Ukiona mtoto anakatalia kwa karai ukimuosha, bas! huyo ni dere wa ferry!
4. Ukimtuma kila saa anaitisha za peremende kabla aende, just encourage him. huyo atakuwa karao.
5. Kale kanalala lala chini ya meza na viti na kujichafua, hako usikachape.hako ni kamekanika.
6. Na kale kanalala lala class, mbunge tunaye ama hatuna?
7. Ukiona mtoto hatokei class hata walimu hawamjui vile anakaa,just encourage him. huyo atakuwa witness kule icc .
8. Ule mwingine ana-angukanga anguka exam zote flat na bado hakufi roho...huyo mu-encourage kabisa! huyo atachezea arsenali 2030!
9. Ukiona mtoto hajui kama yeye ni wa mummy ama yeye ni wa daddy, wacha afuate line hiyo kabisa! hiyo line inaongozwa na kalonzo.
10. Ukikasirisha kijana wako alafu anakimbilia mboch kila saa, usijali. huyo atakuwa tu ka babake!
11. Na ukiona mtoto haogopi giza tangu azaliwe, mtunze hivo hivo. kazi ya manager inamngojea kenya power.
12. Ukiona mtoto anapenda kuuliza uliza vitendawili, twanga kabisa! come on! tabia gani hiyo hata wewe?Huyo atakuwa Raila💞 Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/8/2010 Posts: 763 Location: Intersection
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C&P (not sure if i've seen this here...)
THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.....
THE NEW VERSIONS R.....
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love( m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Schwarzenegger' s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.
MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis
Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Teacher: Tunga sentensi ukitumia neno "sukari" Wafula: Asubuhi tulikunywa chai tamu sana. Teacher: Wapi sukari kwa hiyo sentensi? Wafula: Iko ndani ya chai.
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Rank: User Joined: 9/6/2013 Posts: 1,446 Location: In a house
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Jamaa na mke wake waliamua kufa pamoja ili tu wasitengane wakapanda juu ya ghorofa wakahesabu 1,2....3 jamaa akaruka,mke wake akarudi nyuma na kumcheka akisema cwez kufa kwa ajili ya mapenzi kafe ww mwenyewe! jamaa kuona mke haji akafungua parachuti alilokuwa amelificha akasema ulifikiri mm mjinga nife kwa ajili yako ungethubutu kuruka ungekufa peke yako JE HAPO NANI MSALITI WA MWENZAKE? Naomba Jibu!!!
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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,237 Location: Vacuum
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No1: A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. ************************************** No2: A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." ************************************** No3: A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!" ************************************ No4: Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!! ************************************ No5: A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ************************************ No6: An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" ************************************** If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/9/2009 Posts: 2,003
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@swenani, 1, 3 & 6 That was too funny!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Swenani wrote:No6: An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" ************************************** Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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DEAR JAKOM I greet you so much hoping that you are of good health. I know God removed the stress that led to your head surgery so I am sure you are okay. Please greet Obama, Lupita and Adongo for me but tell them we are still waiting for their donation, in case you didn't know we owe KRA 118milion as Gor Mahia (dont ask me how they arrived at such a sum coz even Rachier doesn't know) attached in your inbox is the Mpesa pay bill number 350100, pass it over to Lupita, Obama and Adongo. Baba when you left we thought you were only going to open an office and come back but it has been over a month now, rumours are going around, some are saying that you are the only one still left looking for the Malaysian plane, if that is the case please leave it, you are used to looking for things and you dont get them like the Presidency, but we love you all the same. Some people are saying that you have become a shoe shiner in Boston subway..nkt..I just clicked at them. Some are saying that the office was so expensive you dont have fare to come back, if that is the case just tell us we will send you all the money we have collected for Gor Mahia..... KRA can wait. Some are saying that Obama is grooming you to take over from him, if that is the case, tell him to make us Luopeans USA citizen ....us the people of the lake so that you can maintain your stronghold. Since you went away our first lady took to Marathon, this made the president so lonely that he signed the marriage bill. Baba imagine you can now marry back their without telling Mama Ida, just surprise her at the airport 'Hi mama Ida this is Sandra Michaels Tinga from Illinois she is your co-wife' Baba alcohol is killing okuche, people are going blind please Baba come back we will do a referendum and make u the head of Nacada coz a certain someone is sleeping on the Job. Alsaabab are also playing cricket with our buses and matatus, please if you know where the men in black came from bring them back so that they can help us with security. Least but not last, are you standing again in 2017? Baba Gor Mahia onyamo Sofapaka adua Nyoro Goodbye hoping to hear from you soon.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.” “What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve. “But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!” “I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.” “Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!” So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Steve,”It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.” “Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.” Steve stared at him in horror & screamed “Shit! THAT’S THE WORD!”
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Rank: Member Joined: 6/15/2010 Posts: 126
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Dear Sweetheart/GirlFriend/ Partner/Whomever you are, 1. Between Thursday, June 12 and Sunday, July 13 2014 you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention. 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the phone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen. 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day. 6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce. 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying 'one' game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'. 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or not, I want to see them again. Many times. 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because: a. I will not go, b. I will not go, and c. I will not go. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash. 10. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?' because, the reply will be, 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'. 11. And finally, please save your expressions such as 'Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Super 14, Spanish League, KPL, Grand Prix, Tri Nations, hell, even WrestleMania, etc. P/S By the way if you get stuck on the road call 999 or Red Cross. Thank you for your cooperation. Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/3/2008 Posts: 4,057 Location: Gwitu
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A Seatbelt! Truth forever on the scaffold
Wrong forever on the throne
(James Russell Rowell)
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Rank: Member Joined: 4/30/2010 Posts: 241
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What to expect in forthcoming kcse mock exams. 6. State and explain the differences and similarities between speed governor and county governor (20 mks) ukiona choo kwa ndoto usiingie, ni mtego!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/1/2010 Posts: 3,024 Location: Hapa
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conos wrote:What to expect in forthcoming kcse mock exams.
6. State and explain the differences and similarities between speed governor and county governor (20 mks)
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. - Muhammad Ali🐝
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