SAMPLE THIS COLLECTION FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES:

DURING THIS ECONOMIC HARD TIMES:
-A picture is now only worth 200 words.

-A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?

ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

MURPHY'S LAW:
What do both stock markets and women have in common?

They both go Up and Down...

A Stockbroker:

Is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The Pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The Optimist sees the glass half full. The Stock Market Day Trader JUST ADDS WHISKEY ...

A technical analyst is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $10 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker -- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed!"