........

U sickest dude!

A young boy is playing at the park and sees his father's car driving deeper into the park. He runs towards that direction until he reaches where car was parked [in a secluded area]. He peeps through the window and see his father with a [lady] family friend and watches all the manenos.

The kid rushes home and tells his mother, I saw dad's car at the park. When I went to check, I found dad with auntie Jane, they removed their clothes...

The mum stops the kid and tells him "You will give us the story after dinner."

After dinner, while the whole family was seated around the table, the mum told the kid "Can you now tell us the story you were telling me earlier". The kid went like...

I saw dad's car at the park. When I went to check, I found dad with auntie Jane, they removed their clothes and started doing what mum and uncle James do when dad goes for his business trips!

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State
Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane
for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I
really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but
we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."
So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year,
and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks
to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever
get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there
airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of
slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the
conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your
situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together,
and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even
making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of
you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each
other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives,
climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at
Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the
slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the
pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but
$10 is $10!"

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive
private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little
blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow,
saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am
Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates
and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we
will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
*************
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger
turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
*************
First god created earth, then he rested...
Then he created man, then he rested...
Then he created women and no one has rested since!
*************
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."