Nice tips except for tip number 4. This nonchalant attitude towards sex is what gets the Mpango ya kando in to the picture in the first place. They exploit a need that the man requires and once they have their claws in they wont let go!!I agree you shouldn't demand for sex but it should be dished out regularly.
I just have to ask are you a Woman? Im not being sexist I want to satisfy my curiosity!

Have you heard about Gary Chapman's 5 languages of love. They are wort thinking about. Figure out your partner's language and use.

Lest I am accused of being an westernised idealist, let me be clear. Try them out. If they don't work, at least you will know that you loved your partner enough to try!

So here we go:

1. Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

@Tony Stark. I think it is unfair for one to use sex (the denial of it) as a weapon. This is manipulative and should never be encouraged. This is not what I meant. I agree that sex should be dished out regularly. I was advocating for self control where circumstances dictate it.

Regarding the question of whether I am a woman, what do you think? Read my lips.

@Muchknow..

Remember when you fell in love: The intensity of emotion, the excitement, the
passion. Remember wanting to know every little detail about that person; wanting to
spend as much time as possible with that special one. When we fall in love, everything
feels fresh and new. Falling in love can take many forms. As parents, we can fall in love
with our children. That first moment with our child can capture our hearts.

The challenge in any relationship is to capture and maintain those feelings. Over
time as we learn about each other, we become accustomed to our personalities, and we no
longer take the time to appreciate the little things about each other that we once thought
were endearing. In a romantic relationship, we can become complacent. With parenting,
we can simply be too busy. Then suddenly, our children have grown up, and we struggle
to remember those cherished moments.
Have you ever reflected back on life and asked, “Where did the time go?”

As parents, it is easy to get overwhelmed by day-to-day activities and miss the wonderful
changes occurring in our spouses or children’s lives. We get so involved in daily chores and the
minutia of life that we sometimes miss the very being we are trying to create and nurture.
Children are small for such a short period of time. Before we know it they are toddlers,
then school age, then teenagers. One way to savor these precious years is to take the time
to fall in love with your child and to maintain that loving relationship throughout each
stage of childhood.

When I mention the idea of falling in love with your child, some parents have an
instant affinity with the concept and speak fondly about their love affair with their child.
Other parents, however, struggle with falling in love with their child. They love their
children but don’t understand what it takes to cherish each moment ie(Muchknow) They are too bogged
down with life to enjoy any one part of it.
Some of the best advice I received as a new dad was to enjoy the “hold me”
days rather than resist or regret them. You know the days when Baby wants to be held all
day, and you can’t get anything done. This friend told me how much she regretted
worrying over the household chores rather than enjoying that time bonding with her
child. When you spend your time with your child preoccupied with or worried about
other things, you are really not spending time with your child. You are not enjoying your
child. Dishes, laundry, and other chores will always be there. Your child will only be
this age once. Before you know it those “hold me” days or “I need attention” days
disappear and what emerges is a more independent toddler who fights to get out of your
lap just seconds after climbing up into it. Then that sweet toddler who wants you to play
with her constantly turns into a child who would rather be with friends than stay home
and play with mom or dad. I have tried hard to follow this sage advice, and I have
learned to view these days as treasures. “Hold me” days are my daughter’s way of telling
me she needs time with me. Each of these days is a gold nugget for me to treasure in my
heart for a lifetime to come.
Taking pleasure in each moment of your child’s life also means living in the
moment. Take time to enjoy each new stage of your child’s development rather than
wishing that the next stage would come along. When we constantly look for the next
stage rather than focus on the present one, we end up living in the future, not the present.
We are either wishing our child’s life away (i.e. “I can’t wait for her to learn to talk.”).

The other extreme happens when we finally realize what we have missed and we long for
those nostalgic days of past stages (i.e. “Remember when she loved to cuddle and would
sit in my lap for hours.”). What we actually lose is the joy of watching our child grow
and develop in the moment. Each developmental stage in your child’s life has its own
treasure box overflowing with gifts for both of you to discover. Take the time to focus on
what your child is learning now regardless of what it is (i.e. sitting up, walking, reading,
sports, etc…) and savor the aspects of her personality that help her learn each new skill.
It won’t be long before she has mastered that skill and moved on to another. Make the
effort to get on the floor and crawl around and play, build a fort, or create a new game in
the tub. Your child’s personality will unfold before your eyes if you pay close enough
attention. You have a front row seat to this amazing creature developing before you.
Take time now to enjoy the show.

Loving relationships are characterized by closeness, intimacy, and affection.
Falling in love with your child follows the same pattern. Touch is essential to human
existence: our physical, emotional, and psychological well-being depend on touch and
affection for survival. Your child craves touch from you, and both of you will benefit
equally from frequent affection with each other. Find time each day to be affectionate
with your child. Look for opportunities to snuggle or hug and kiss. Take advantage of
putting her to sleep or waking up, take naps together, or snuggle up and read for quiet
time.

Look for opportunities in
the day. When she dumps that bowl of spaghetti on her head, consider it a time to laugh
together and enjoy being close as you wash it out. When you are in love, you want to be
as physically close and affectionate as possible. Mothers who work outside the home talk
about wanting to rush home to spend as much time as possible with their children that
they can. A loving, affectionate relationship can be accomplished by taking advantage of
the time you have and focusing that time on your child.
In a romantic relationship, it is important to make time for each other that is
special and focuses on each other. Falling in love with your child is no different. Time is
important. That is, time that allows the two of you to connect and interact in a way that is
all your own. Find the time to do special activities with your child that only the two of
you do. This is a good opportunity for rituals or traditions. Children love one-on-one
time that focuses on them, and they love repetition.When we get a chance even
now to slip away, just the two of us, we do. You do not have to be extravagant; you
don’t even have to spend money. Be creative with your selections. The important thing
is making the opportunity happen. You are creating a confident, happy, self-assured
child and memories to last a lifetime for both of you.
One thing to be cautious about when falling in love with your child is not to allow
the relationship with your child to overpower or disrupt your relationship with your
spouse. You are not choosing one over the other or loving one more than the other. Your
relationship with your spouse must be paramount if the marriage is to survive, and
research bears out the fact children whose parents love each other and stay together
benefit in life. I am not suggesting that children of single parents will not succeed, but
they often have more challenges to overcome. Allowing yourself to fall in love with your
child does not forsake other relationships in your life. Rather, it complements them
adding more depth and intimacy to you and your subsequent relationships.
Falling in love with your child by that first glance or first touch is the easy part.
It’s maintaining that feeling throughout each stage of childhood and the challenging times
that is difficult. The goal is to prioritize your time remembering that spending time with
your child is on the list and should be in the top three spots. However, sometimes our
days get turned upside down and the priority list is shot. These are the challenging days
when we are better off giving in to the flow and following the needs of the child rather
than stressing ourselves out by forcing our child to maintain our schedule for the sake of
the schedule. What you will discover when you allow yourself to simply spend time with
your child is a closer, more intimate relationship. You will be less stressed, and your
child will have her needs met. This romance with your child will change as she develops
more autonomy and independence. In a blink, your child will be grown and your
relationship changed – not better or worse, just different. Make the effort now to capture
this moment in time and savor it for a lifetime. Tomorrow will bring new adventures and
new memories. Let today be your focus.

Excerpt By Christine Belaire, Phd

So muchknow, call me an idealist but i choose what i want for my wife and child if it's beneath you well too bad.

@ricdees, interesting you should write a response today because this topic has been quite on my mind today. Actually looked @story teller post on "communication" and was like Oh boy! Not again. Let me make my case before I come to appear as some pigheaded conservative fellow when I insist that marriage and relationships will need to focus more on rationale and planning than feeling. I hope to site a number of people (just as you have done):-

The notions of “Instant gratification”, gratification and deferred gratification are covered by David Goleman in his book Emotional intelligence, which is a groundbreaking work on relationships in many spheres of life. Let’s look at them in family relationships

I believe many of the failures in society stem from the need for instant or quick gratification. We as investors know this too well, we talk of “long-term” over “short-term”. Adam Smith wrote “with regard to profusion, the principle which prompts to expense is the passion for present enjoyment; which though sometimes violent and very difficult to be restrained, is in general only momentary and occasional. But the Condition which prompts to save is the desire of bettering our condition”. The urge to be doting upon your kids every other time is fine, but the true test is to control it. Societies that have exposed us to this, particularly through T.V, (note my list of divorce rates U.S, U.K), seem to have significant failures in marriage as compared to say more conservative societies such as the Indians, Japanese, Turks etc. My problem with this laissez faire upbringing is not that we shouldn’t once in a while cuddle toddlers, affirm, encourage, and hold hands as family but this behavior takes “extravagant” extremes to the point of being a tool for instant gratification. The “I love you, hugs and kisses” becomes an instant on-demand statement of approval; DEMAND: “I love you Joe”, RETURN: “I love you too Daddy”. I believe this is a form of abuse, and why some of these unions don’t hold, they are fake and manipulative. I believe your child should learn to read your emotional cues without this form of manipulation and so should you learn to do the same. An achievement can be marked by the words “you have made me proud”; I think it is rewarding enough. Let’s not “dilute” the power of some of these statements, which we know in our hearts when they are occasionally due. Should I not wait for the long term where my children will approve of how I brought them up and whether I really do love them when they are adults and can look back and see what kind of dad I am? By the way the argument about laptops and westerners is cheap; Modernization should not be confused with Westernization.

The above said your wife is an adult. Obviously how you handle each other as adults is your prerogative, she obviously needs your affection and reassurance, but what is the best way to go about this? This is why I was writing about the research on choosing a spouse, you do not want arguments over money, authority etc becoming a major issue. You also want someone who is reasonable and can understand your approach and the basis of your approach (an intelligent woman), rather than some pretty chic who thinks life is a TV sitcom, soap opera or who thinks marriage is a competition. You need to PLAN logically and not emotionally around your choice of a wife; you should have a clear picture of what role she will play and her abilities to play it. This does not mean it will be a “mechanical” marriage, but the basis for love will have a stronger foundation

Speaking of the Joneses,haven't you heard,they are having a hard time keeping up with themselves these days.

When it comes to marriage & kids my policy remains steadfastly simple;don't,and er,well,don't bother.May be I keep all the wrong company but am afraid all married folk I know work harder to cheat on their spouses than anything else I ever see them do.Then they turn around and tell me that it really is time I got myself a wife,pledging hefty cash rewards+participation.

What can I say,its equivalent to rooting for virginity by having sex,isn't it?

Guess we're not all cut out for it,starting with yours truely.

Relatives,. . .nothing a short,sharp,lash about the state of their own sorry unions can't solve,and a brief discourse on how the race is not about to go extinct on account of your insignificant reproductive status.. . .plenty of cash helps too.

Youwillbestoppedanyway,

What groupielove was saying,I think,is that your "alternative method of making marriage work" is somewhat far-fetched,unrealistic,cosmetic & irrelevant to his/her circumstance,and that you oughta quit that horridious highnose-blah blah as it really isn't the in-thing to conform to all that femme-jazz you preach,and that while he/she will keep the 'phone/laptop',he/she's uninterested in your 'Western philosophy of marriages' lecture,seeing as its borrowed from places exceeding 70% in matters divorce.

She is a woman, that is why she is advocating for self control.

AMEN, wendz. Let those who say 'I Love yous to continue if that makes their family unite and happy. For those who dont believe in the words, you also continue your way. njia ya kufika mbinguni ni mingi.

As for me i believe in the magic words

Thank you
I love you
I am sorry
Forgive me

@Ric Dees as your name suggests you are an mentally colonized African self hater. You preach all this western crap about touchy feeling relationships. Kids in the west are indulged in by their parents, they are told they are special, are never seriously punished and are spoilt to the hilt. They have no respect for authority or loyalty to family members.

How many of them wazungus u worship so much, tell me they haven't seen their parents, siblings for years? How many of them live absurd lives of marital break up after break up because they have not been told that life is not about being special, but all about taking responsibility. Learning about marriage and family life from Americans is like going to hell to be trained how to make it into heaven.

Poor dumbass Africans running to become Americans who are the worst example ever. America has the highest family violence rate, divorce rate, child sexual abuse rate, and pre-teen and teen suicide rate in the world. I have seen suicide manic depression pathology among five year olds?

This touchy feeling BS does not work. Grown men hugging (full frontal)their teen daughters only leads to sex abuse of those girls. Rotten kids produce rotten families and the society goes down. I know a lot about American family life coz I'm a school teacher here in the US and I've seen enough to know that our grandfathers were right.