Wazua
»
Club SK
»
Culture
»
Just for laughs...corner
Rank: New-farer Joined: 1/7/2010 Posts: 67 Location: NBI
|
A monkey is sitting in a tree in a jungle smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! Whatcha doin'?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some." So the
lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going down to
the river to get a drink. "I'll be right back," says the lizard.
The lizard is so stoned that when he gets to the river he leans too
far over and falls into the river. PLOP!!
A nearby crocodile heard and saw the lizard and swam over to help the lizard out.
When the lizard was on the bank, the crocodile asked the lizard "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains that he was sitting smoking a joint with the
monkey in the tree, got too stoned, got a dry mouth, needed to get a drink, came down to the river and then fell in the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out.
So, the crocodile walks up into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, still smoking a joint and he looks up and
says, "Hey!"
Startled, the monkey looks down and shrieks, "SHIT!! How much
water did you drink?!!"
|
|
|
Rank: New-farer Joined: 1/7/2010 Posts: 67 Location: NBI
|
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to
the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you
get points. Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game
is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing
(0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is
something(+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
(+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted the colours of your favourite
team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
(-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
(-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points
no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at
the TV(+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
(-10000)
Now what chance do you have???
|
|
|
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
|
Copy paste:
African Mothers !!!!
>
> Mom comes to visit her son Mwangi for dinner...who
> lives with a girl
> roommate njambi...
>
> During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
> help but notice how
> pretty Mwangi's roommate was. She had long been
> suspicious of a
> relationship between the two, and this had only made
> her more curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the
> two interact,she
> started to wonder if there was more between Mwangi
> and his roommate than
> met the eye.
>
> Reading his mom' s thoughts, Mwangi volunteered," I
> know what you must
> be thinking, but I assure you, Njambi and I are just
> roommates." About
> a week later, Njambi came to Mwangi saying, "Ever
> since your mother came
> to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the ugali
> flour. "You don't suppose
> she took it, do you? " "Well, I doubt it, but I 'll
> email her, just to
> be sure " So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I
> 'm not saying that
> you did take the ugali flour from my house, I 'm not
> saying that you did
> not take the ugali flour. But the fact remains that
> it has been missing
> ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Mwangi.
>
> Several days later, Mwangi received an email from
> his Mother which
> read:
>
> Dear Son, I 'm not saying that you do sleep
> with Njambi, and I'm
>
> not saying that you do not sleep with Njambi. But
> the fact remains that
>
> if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have
> found the ugali
> flour under her pillow by now.
>
> Love,
> Mum.
>
> Moral of the Story..... Don' t Lie to Your
> mother...especially if she
> is African!
|
|
|
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
|
An Arab was being interviewed at a US
checkpoint.
Your name pls.
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!!
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
and .... Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.
Teacher : What do you want to become?
Little Johnny : Doctor !!
Teacher : Why?
Little Johnny : Coz its the only profession where
u can tell a woman
to take off her clothes and ask her husband to
pay for it.
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful,
I'll rather have baby
than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust
the chair accordingly.
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die wanted her
tombstone to read
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened
it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
A kid asked the priest " Father, what is your
pastime?"
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied
"Nun, my child, nun"
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had
forgotten everything !!!
|
|
|
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
|
For the wazua ladies (single)
A store that sells husbands has just opened
where a woman may go to
> choose
> > a
> > > husband from among many men.
> > > The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men
increase in positive
> > > attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
> > >
> > > There is, however, a catch. As you open the
door to any floor you may
> > choose
> > > a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back
down
> > > except to exit the building. So a woman goes
to the shopping center to
> > find
> > > a husband.
> > >
> > > On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> > >
> > > The woman reads the sign and says to herself,
"Well, that's better
> than
> > my
> > > last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further
up?"
> > > So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
> > >
> > > The woman remarks to herself, "That's great,
but I wonder what's
> further
> > > up?" And up she goes again. The third floor
sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good
looking.
> > >
> > > "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"
> > >
> > > The fourth floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking
and
> > > help with the housework.
> > >
> > > "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting.
BUT, there must be more
> further
> > > up!" And again she heads up another flight.
> > >
> > > The fifth floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking,
> > help
> > > with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak.
> > >
> > > "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be
awaiting me further
on?"
> So
> > > up to the sixth floor she goes.
> > >
> > > The sixth floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to
this floor. There are no
men
> > on
> > > this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are
impossible
> to
> > > please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart
and have a nice day
|
|
|
Rank: New-farer Joined: 2/12/2010 Posts: 78 Location: nairobi
|
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
|
If Phillip Onyancha was to be interviewed by Jeff Koinange:……..
What a show! what a guest ! what a killer …… he has killed 17 and still counting 83 to go I tell you … And its only a Monday, and the bench is heating up! Waaaah! (looks at him) You cant get these guests anywhere else!
Here we are cool…… what a revelation u can only get in K24
Where we are, even in the times of serial killers, ALL KENYAN (Jeff) ALL THE TIME (Onyancha)
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
|
radio wrote:Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm. He races into
the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad:
"Hey Granddad, the bull is f***ing the cow".
Granddad informs Johnny that he won't tolerate this sort of
playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnny
wants to inform him about such things he should say something
like "Granddad the bull is surprising the cow."
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm. Once again
he comes racing in and yells:
"Granddad the bull is surprising the cows."
Granddad says to Johnny: "I'm pleased to hear that after my
conversation with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your
language. However, your grammar is not quite correct. It is not
"the bull is surprising the cows". It is "the bull is surprising
the cow". The bull can only surprise one cow at a time".
Johnny replies:
"No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he's f***ing the horse!" hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa! i havent laughed so hard of late! Whoever came up with that!!!!
|
|
|
Rank: Chief Joined: 3/24/2010 Posts: 6,779 Location: Black Africa
|
Intelligentsia wrote:The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Zuma: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Zuma: "You're a day late"
Kali! GOD BLESS YOUR LIFE
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/18/2008 Posts: 3,434 Location: Kerugoya
|
@Everlasting, I am sending you a bill for cracked ribs and eratic spasms resulting from uncontrollable laughter.
|
|
|
Wazua
»
Club SK
»
Culture
»
Just for laughs...corner
Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.
|