@ngogoyo, how long have you had this struggle? Do you think it is a phase of life you can overcome over time?

Anyone who has been down this road of unbelief and changed later?

I see two types of people. Those who have temporarily settled on some form of absolute truth (Theory of Everything) and those who are still looking, weighing and asking questions.


My story...

Let me hopefully summarize.

Went to church with folks in lower primary until i think class 5 when i joined my dad in not going anymore..
Always wondered why i could not be good 100% like the pastors told us to be at that time.

In my pre teens and early teens came across some material at the back of some comic books about how to get powers like spiderman etc

experimented with medidating to be able to move objects with my mind(didnt know what i was doing)..Ended up getting the most weird types of 'dreams' after that. Later came to learn that these were Out of Body experiences also known as astral projection in some quarters.

Got 'saved' in high school for 1 term. Was prayed for etc went for CU but decided to drop it when closing day approached...lol coudnt imagine telling my boys back home that im saved.
Came back the following term backslidden.

Lived the textbook (Booze Clubbing Girls some weed)secular teen and post teen life until about 4th year campus

Had an experience which i have come to see is given many names depending on the dominant culture... I called it salvation, some call it ego death etc.
But i was literally born again, i became a new person at/after that experience... i was alone.. no church no pastor no stretching of hands to the TV no guru no imam no book i was reading nothing....

Just me on a Thursday morning during a power blackout.

I came out of that experience with zero ego reference points..The usual mind chatter and judgements about everything was gone.
And literally everything was brand new....everything was pristine. I think i saw the sun for the first time that day.
So...
Was later advised to go to church and get baptized as i was now born again (and from my experience i literally was running a new operating system). The old me and my old ways seemed like the story of someone else or a dream i had.

My disappointment with church experiences started early...

I had assumed everyone is there on the basis of a similar experience and we can all have wonderful fellowship. I was wrong.

I questioned the method used in church of 'getting saved'. Repeating a prayer (which is not in the bible) then a pastor of whoever declares you saved.
Among many other things....

Fast foreword to marriage and fatherhood....

I'am pretty much going through the motions described by others here so as not to rock the family boat too much on matters spiritual.

I have since found out that my 'salvation' experience above is shared by others who do not attribute it to Christianity or Christ.

I recently read the story of Eckhart Tolle (Yes that new age Eckhart Tolle) and i was shocked at the similarity of his experience and mine.

I have also followed stories of folks who have tripped on psychedelics and other forms of altered states of consciousness... Same ego death thread in those experiences

Let me back up a bit... There is a Quantum physics / Quantum mechanics experiment (The double slit experiment) which was a serious eye opener for me... and research down that road let me to looking into sacred geometry (which makes a lot of sense)


Ok chronologically...

My ego construct dies iam born again > Go to church Get baptized > Disagree with most stuff except the direct teachings of Jesus > Do some research > Quantum physics(big eye opener) > Psychology on the Ego Out of Body Experiences etc > Sacred Geometry > Alternative Story of human history (Very intriguing).....
All this is over a 15 year period.

The curious thing about my research is that these seemingly disjointed pieces of the puzzle (Outside religious dogma) seem to agree with each other on different levels.

And they explain my experiences in a way i can connect with.

Maybe it sounds sharp and with it to attack Christians, but even the Bible is clear; only God can truly know the heart of Man! It has nothing to do with authenticity!

When Samuel went to Jesse's house to anoint the new king:

Boss, you are me! This sounds like my story. I was raised Catholic too and I was an alter boy all through secondary school.

My suggestion is, keep seeking God and not church. Eventually you will know. The best thing about church is you will find like-minded people or people you can walk with. Decide what principles you want for your family and then look for a church that best answers that.
Be clear when you say that churches are money minded because if you look deeper, you might find that they are actually using the funds well and you know that they need the money to pay staff and bills not forgetting the financing of projects and poor students and children. Many churches now have AGMs where they present the figures and budgets to their congregants. So do not let the money issue deter you. What I say is, when I give, I do not give to man and if the man misuses the offering then he will answer to God who will still bless you.