C&P
{It’s 5 pm on a Saturday, the first match of the EPL is about to kick off and 4 best friends are sitting at a pub drinking and chatting as they wait for the kick off}
VERBSTRACT: Liverpool wasiposhinda leo najinyonga, this can’t go on like this. Brendan is an asshole.
RAMA; nimebook followers wako ukisha jinyonga. Hakuna game ingine mnashinda hapa.
CAPIII: You 2 guys are too noisy, game ata haijaanza na mshaanza kubishana.
OKEKE: man! ata na regret mbona nilikuja. Ebu order more drinks before I die of boredom.
{Rama beckons to a waiter who comes rushing to the table with a notebook}
ALLOYS: (in a British accent) Whar can I ge you mates?
ALL FOUR: (at the same time) HUH?????
ALLOYS: I sehd, whar can I get you fellas….what will you drink?
VERBSTRACT: oooooh…get me a cold Tusker
RAMA: same here mate
CAPIII: I will have a Heineken please
ALLOYS: ( jotting down the orders then turning to Okeke) and you mate?
OKEKE: get me a glass of milk.
ALLOYS: Excuse me, did you just say milk. mate?
RAMA: (holding his head in disbelief) did he just say milk?
VERBSTRACT: Ooh boy, he just said milk
ALLOYS: we don’t have milk mate, this is a pub. not a dairy.
OKEKE: then get me some juice
ALLOYS: okay mates, right away
{the waiter leaves and the other 3 turn to Okeke}
CAPIII: Milk??? WTF man!!!!!!!!!!!
VERBSTRACT: you okay bruh, what’s wrong?
OKEKE: (putting his phone down) okay let me explain………..I stopped drinking.
RAMA: What do you mean you stopped drinking???????
OKEKE: she told me drinking is not good for a man.
CAPIII: SHE????
RAMA: SHE???? WTF???
VERBSTRACT: You mean SHE as in a woman? with breasts?
OKEKE: yes……SHE….I finally got a girlfriend guys, thank you for not asking until now
CAPIII: (clapping in delight and patting Okeke on the shoulders) Congrats bruh, finally!!!! welcome to the league of extraordinary men! you are now one of us!
RAMA: I’m so relieved to hear that bruh, I had started to get worried that you could be playing for the other team yo.
OKEKE: O__O
CAPIII: O_O
(the awkward situation is saved by the waiter who brings the drinks they had ordered)
ALLOYS: anythuhng else mates?
VERBSTRACT: yea…how much did you buy that accent?
ALLOYS: msee bana, gani izo tena unaanza tena. ndio izo drinks zenu kunyweni, nkt!!
{the waiter leaves and the 4 burst into laughter}
RAMA: so Okeke, tell us about this woman who made you to stop drinking.
OKEKE: (with excitement} well, I met her online. on instagram….ilianza na ka selfie moja yenye alipost huko, nika ilike nika double tap, before I knew it she had posted an emoji on one of my pic telling me I am cute and chubby. Before long she had given me her number and we started talking. She is in the US though.
CAPIII: DAYUM! you lucky nerdy bastard!!
OKEKE: that ain’t all, she even told me she would love to have chubby babies with me, little Calebs….I am so in love yani mpaka I didn’t mind the conditions she gave me.
VERBSTRACT: she gave you conditions?
RAMA: what conditions?
OKEKE: well it was actually a list, she told me she hates men who drink and that I should stick to water, juice or milk., she also………..
RAMA: (interrupting him) WAIT, WHAT?? just those 3? not even Guarana???
OKEKE: not even the blood of Jesus bruh……………she also told me to shave my hair in the middle, that she loves bald men…..they were quite many. no big deal really….I would cross the ocean and sprint to Tsavo naked just for my Lexidash.
(pin drop silence for 2 minutes, all the other 3 not even moving, all of them looking at Okeke)
CAPIII: (clearing his throat with difficulty) uuuuuhm….did you just say Lexidash? as in that’s her name?
OKEKE: yeah, why, you know her?
VERBSTARCT: (trembling and stummering) dddddo..dddooo…you mmmmmind…ddddddescribing her a bbbbbit mmmmore pppplease?
OKEKE: well she is lightskinned, very pretty. she has a gap in her teeth and a black beauty spot just above her beautiful chin…and she speaks seven languages! can you believe that!! our little calebs are going to be so bright because of their mother..
RAMA: (sweating and trembling) did you say she speaks 7 different langauges?
OKEKE: ( starting to look at them curiously) yeah…okay guys, what’s going on…what are you not telling me.
VERBSTRACT: (tears welling up in his eyes) how could she do this to me…she told me I was her only one, she even sent me a picture of a very delicious cake on my birthday…how could she!!!!!
RAMA: (looking down to hide his tears) I even got a tattoo of her name on my neck, she told me I was her number one, she said in Spanish *sniff sniff*, I remember the voice note she sent me saying in a sweet voice “Te amo mi Rama con todo. ustedes son mis sólo uno, no puedo respirar sin que” …I even use it as my ringtone now *sniff sniff*
CAPIII: (his head in his hands looking down) That bitch! I sold my father’s camels just to buy clothes to impress her on instagram… walahi bilahi ntadunga mutoto ya mutu gisu!! me nilidhani nimepata bibi kumbe ni ngamia ingine !!!
OKEKE: are you guys crying?
RAMA, CAPIII, VERBSTRACT: (in unison) NO!!!!!! IT’S THE SMOKE FROM THE KITCHEN!!!!!
OKEKE: (fighting tears back) I had even introduced her avi to my family, my folks had even told the whole village that I was bringing home a mzungu for a wife, this is bad man…..*sniff sniff*………I need a hug….guys?
(they all start crying and go for a group hug)
RAMA: (hugging tighter while crying) so what do we do?
VERBSTRACT: (hugging even more tighter) I think we should call Maina Kageni and expose that evil woman.
CAPIII: (wiping his tears on Okeke’s shirt and hugging tighter) Yes, and then we form a movement for men like us
OKEKE: (eyes red from crying) let’s leave this place guys…. I have 100kgs of chocolate that I had bought for Lexi at home, let’s go eat it in revenge.
RAMA: (wiping his tears) yes, twendeni.
{they leave the pub holding hands singing “Bado Mapambano”}
If you stay ready, no need to get ready.