A looong read!
Many young women grow up dreaming about their wedding day.
They envision themselves in a splendid white gown, being chauffeured in a glamourous car, and eventually walking down the aisle into the waiting arms of their prince charming, and the start of happily ever after.
It is said that the first year of marriage is akin to a honeymoon — you are madly in love and, therefore, quick to overlook faults and forgive easily. For most, children are yet to check in, so you have all the time, energy, and love to lavish on each other.
This was not the case for Marcus and Njeri Olang’.
DREAM WEDDING
The two got married just six months ago after a two-year courtship, but just a few days after their lavish wedding attended by over 500 people, gloom settled over their marriage.
Says Njeri, “I had been looking forward to my wedding for a very long time and could not wait to get married to the love of my life.”
Before the wedding, the couple had attended premarital classes, where the 10-week sessions taught them about marriage and how to ensure that they worked towards a lifetime union. After this, the couple felt confident enough to take on any challenges their marriage would bring.
Secure in their love for each other, the couple decided to have a public 100-day countdown to their wedding on Facebook and Twitter. Each day, the couple shared posts about their upcoming wedding.
“We wanted the public to be part of our journey,” says Marcus.
Eventually, the wedding day arrived and it was everything they had envisioned and dreamt about.
After the honeymoon, Marcus, who works in advertising, returned to work, while Njeri, a freelance writer, began searching for new writing assignments, which were slow in coming.
“As the days went by, I began to feel empty. I would wake up, prepare breakfast for my husband, clean the house, cook, then watch movies as I looked forward to him returning home in the evening.”
However, when Marcus returned home from work, his demeanour would be an anti-climax.
“Having been indoors the whole day, I could not wait to chat with him, while all he wanted to do was eat and sleep, since he would be tired, sometimes falling asleep as I talked.”
She adds, “I had expected that because we were now married, he would make me laugh, we would cook together, have romantic dinners, and interesting conversations deep into the night. I also looked forward to moments when we would sit down together and plan our money and future. But none of this happened. Marcus would get home too tired. The magical connection that I thought I would experience did not seem to be happening.”
Njeri’s phone, which had been constantly buzzing with phone calls and text messages from friends before the wedding, suddenly went silent.
The negative attitude towards her occupation did not help either.
CELEBRITY WIFE
Marcus and his wife Njeri Olang'a during interview on August 15, 2014 in Nairobi. PHOTO | JEFF ANGOTE
Marcus and his wife Njeri Olang'a during interview on August 15, 2014 in Nairobi. PHOTO | JEFF ANGOTE
“Before the wedding, my many writing assignments kept me busy. However, afterwards, for some reason, they dwindled, leaving me with too much time on my hands,” she explains.
So, when she replied that she worked from home when people asked her what she did for a living, some would jokingly comment, “You mean you are a house wife?”
Worse, she did not even have children to justify her stay at home. Others thought that her “celebrity” husband, (Marcus is a former radio presenter) had got a raw deal by marrying a woman who “just stayed at home”.
With all that was happening, Njeri’s dissatisfaction with her new life increased.
“I got writer’s block and wasn’t able to write anything. I also found it difficult to sleep at night. During the day, I felt sad and angry and would spend it in tears. Many times I contemplated calling Marcus at work to tell him what I was feeling, but I didn’t because I felt it would be an unnecessary distraction.”
Marcus was confused. “I knew that there was something going on with her, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. When I asked her what was wrong, she would say ‘nothing’ and ‘I’m fine’. I often thought that it was something I had done — or not done. It was frustrating.”
To cheer her up, he would surprise her with little gifts and flowers, but none of his gestures helped. She remained gloomy and would shun any physical intimacy.
Njeri says that she was terrified of what was happening to her, but did not know how to control her emotions.
“I knew I was sinking into a deep pit, but I didn’t know how to stop myself. I felt trapped. Many times I wondered why I had gotten married. Had I made a mistake? Was Marcus the right person? Was I really the woman for him? Was I really wife material?”
To try and lift her spirits, Njeri one day decided to cut her long hair.
“I wanted a new beginning, a fresh start, and I thought that giving myself a new look would do it. Marcus accompanied me to the salon where I cut my hair short. But my new hairdo made me feel even worse. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a very ugly person. I cried for days and stopped talking to my husband,” she says.
Meanwhile, Marcus was in turmoil. “I knew this is not what I had signed for. It was very discouraging. At work, I was appreciated. When I worked on a project and it was successful, I was congratulated and my efforts were recognised. Men love appreciation and I was getting it at work, but not at home. Nothing I did seemed to make Njeri happy. While my colleagues were chatty, cheerful, and happy, the opposite is what I found at home. I began dreading returning home and would instead bury myself in work in the office and work until late.”
SEEKING HELP
Initially, he would be consumed with thoughts of how to make things right at home.
He knew his wife was not happy, so he would spend hours thinking about it and looking for ways to try and mend things. However, when his efforts went unappreciated, he shut down and focused on work.
Four months after their wedding, one of Njeri’s friends, who had noticed the downward spiral she had taken, suggested that she see a counsellor.
“I agreed because I knew something was wrong with me and I badly wanted to fix it. I also knew I wanted a better marriage and so I was willing to try anything that could help.”
Desperate to save his marriage and end the frequent verbal confrontations between them, Marcus agreed to accompany her for counselling. It turned out to be their saving grace.
It is here that Njeri learnt that she was depressed, a diagnosis that surprised her. Even though some of the sessions were quite explosive as they poured their hearts out, it helped them to pinpoint the causes of their strained relationship.
Expectations
“I realised that I expected too much from my husband — to be my entertainer, my cheerleader, my protector, my provider, my companion, my best friend, my everything, which was impossible,” says Njeri.
The counsellor also helped her to realise that one of her major problems was that she did not let her husband know what she expected from him. For instance, she did not tell him that she longed for him to return home early so that they could spend quality time together.
“I expected him to read my mind and when he didn’t, I became angry and frustrated.”
The counsellor also helped Njeri realise something else.
“My mother left the country soon after my wedding and my only sister will be relocating to another country next month, making me feel as if they were deserting me. I felt scared, since I am very close to them. I learnt that this is something I had to deal with and not allow it to affect my relationship with my husband,” she says.
Njeri is still attending counselling sessions and the change has been transforming.
“I have since regained my cheer and laughter and my relationship with my husband is as happy as when we were courting,” she laughs.
Marcus now looks forward to returning home to a cheerful wife.
“I now get home early because I know it means a lot to her. I also help her around the house and encourage her to tell me what she expects of me. Counselling has really changed us and I am happy to see the Njeri I knew before come back to life,” he says.
Confident in what she now knows, Njeri makes time to talk to engaged and newly-married women about her experience, if only to help them avoid making the mistakes she made.
“Most important is communication, asking for what you want, and having honest conversations with your husband — don’t assume that he knows what you want, he cannot read your mind,” she says.
Marcus and his wife Njeri Olang'a pose for a photo during interview on August 15, 2014 in Nairobi. PHOTO | JEFF ANGOTE
Marcus and his wife Njeri Olang'a pose for a photo during interview on August 15, 2014 in Nairobi. PHOTO | JEFF ANGOTE
CAUSES OF POST-NUPTIAL DEPRESSION
Jacinta Njihia, a marriage counsellor and author of Empowering Families to Blossom, says that what Njeri was suffering from is post-nuptial depression. She talks about some of the factors that could lead to this.
“Some couples incur heavy debt financing the wedding and, therefore, have a rough start in marriage. They spent too much money and worked too hard to make the event a success, yet they are left feeling empty once it’s all over. It is an anti-climax for them,” she says.
Another cause of problems in a new marriage is unfulfilled expectations. The common ones include having dinner together every night, making love almost daily, discussing and agreeing on issues that affect them, having no secrets, complete trust, resolving conflicts in a systematic and logical way, as well as being shown lots of affection and being fully supported to achieve their dreams and goals.
Njihia says that as valid as these expectations may be, most of them are not realistic. Worse, they are often not clearly defined.
“Most people get into marriage with expectations unknown to their partners and become frustrated when they are not met. While some have issues with their partner during courtship, they enter into the marriage thinking that they will be able to change them. They set themselves up for disappointment because spouses don’t change overnight simply because they said ‘I do’.”
She also notes that many new brides miss the fun, attention, and constant closeness to their family and friends and so should not let these relationships fade away after their wedding.
“A network of supportive friends and family can be very helpful especially if she begins to experience feelings of emptiness and loneliness. If the feelings of sadness, frustration, remorse, and despair become overwhelming, she should consult a marital therapist or psychologist,” she says.
A psychotherapist’s take
According to Tasreen Keshavjee, a psychotherapist, even though reports show that one in 10 women suffer from post-nuptial depression, this number could be much higher because many newly-weds feel ashamed about being depressed so early in their marriage and, therefore, mask their feelings, suffering in silence.
In some cases, Keshavjee says that the masked depression that was present before marriage will tend to manifest after the wedding because of the anti-climax once the festivities are over.
With regard to unmet expectations, “Most couples believe that their spouse will be everything to them and that they are responsible for each other’s happiness. This is not only a false expectation, but it is humanly impossible. Each person should take responsibility for their own happiness,” she says.
Keshavjee adds that the reality and permanence of marriage after the honeymoon comes as a shock to some, where the person becomes doubtful about their decision to marry. This is especially so because of the changes in the levels of “feel-good” hormones, which could lead to a perceived sense that the relationship no longer has the intensity it used to have.
“Soon, the person begins to have a sense of hopelessness, sadness and a loss of pleasure in activities or interests. They have mood changes and become very irritable. Some even experience changes in sleep patterns. As days go on, they may become overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, self-doubt and low self-esteem, she says.
The best way to handle such feelings, according to Keshavjee, is to talk about it.
“Couples can talk to each other through these feelings and normalise them. It is also helpful to reach out to friends, family or a professional therapist who can help you deal with the emotions,” she says.
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