MUSEVENI IS ON FIRE.
And in the typical Museveni fashion,He has issued more SEXUAL REGULATIONS.
1.Blow job is illegal. Your mouth is...
not a toilet. You are therefore
forbidden to transform your mouth
into some kind of toilet by allowing
all kind of genitals in it. If You must
blow,blow your nose.
2. 69 is a number. A simple
mathematical number. And it should
remain so. It belongs to classrooms,
NOT Bedrooms.
3. It is wrong to be TURNED ON. You
are not an electric switch. Only an
electric switch should be turned on.
Not a human being. Know your
roles.
4. MOANING should STOP. Not
unless You are moaning the loss of a
relative at a funeral. Otherwise any
other kind of moaning is highly
outlawed. Especially in Bedrooms.
5. Every Ugandan is entitled to
5MBs ONLY per day. Excess data
bundles will tempt you to visit
pornographic sites. No Ugandan
should purchase more than 5 MBs.
If You need more,please register
with the Kampala C.I.D Department
first.
6. Your Whatsaap conversations
MUST BE conducted in GROUPS of
10. No private Whatsaap
conversations. You must identify 10
mutual friends,create a Whatsaap
Group and join it. And EVERY GROUP
MUST include atleast ONE police
officer.We MUST see what kind of
photos You are exchanging.
7. Ladies,You are FORBIDDEN to be
wet around Your Man NOT UNLESS
You are washing his clothes, cooking
for him or rinsing rice.
7. Men,You are forbidden to ask a
random girl to "send You pics" . And
Ladies,if any man wants pics,The
Ugandan Law requires You to send
him pictures of Government
Developments in your constituency.
8. ALL SOCIALITES Must get a
certificate of Good Conduct from the
Kampala C.I.D Headquarters before
posting photos on Instagram.
9. Twerking is ILLEGAL. And if You
must twerk,You must first deposit U
$h.2,500 to the National Bank of
Uganda. And as You twerk,You must
make sure that Your ass is atleast 1
meter away from the ground.
10. The official Ugandan position is
Missionary position. Any other
position is American and
currently,America is our number one
enemy! Missionary is also good
because it will be our simple way of
saying ''thankyou" to Missionaries
who brought the Gospel to Us.
11. The Ugandan Intelligence
Service has learnt that Any Chemist
selling Viagra is being funded by
the West to overthrow the
Government. So,all Chemists are put
on a serious Government notice.
And Viagra has been declared a
National threat.
12. The Ugandan National Football
team MUST BE ammended. Its
unacceptable that a bunch of 11
men can be running after one
another,falling over one another,
hugging one another in public and
locking themselves up in one room
to change. From today,the Ugangan
Football team must include 2
women. Preferably police officers.
With guns. And ALL FOOTBALL
matches must be played in the
nearest police station.
13. And finally,the biblical book of
HAGAi. Which includes the word
"Haga" has been banned in Uganda.
Thankyou.
Ugandan Government

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."