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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,237 Location: Vacuum
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Tebes wrote:THE BEST COMPOSITION FROM NYAKEMINCHA PRIMARY SCHOOL 2011 - FROM YOUR COUNTY. BE PROUD OF YOUR COUNTY
I was asleep. The jogoo shouted three times, I opened one eye and left the other to sleep abit. I was wishing I had slept with my uniforms putted on, but I realised if wishes were chickens beggars would been layin eggs. I woke up with only one eye open n and I was looking where the karai was put I wash my face. I found some cotton which I used to burn the jiko and cook a chai without milk called sturungi. I drank the sturungi haphazardy and hurriendily with a big piece of kiugali which had remained at night. I put on my uniforms and then I painted myself with fat and because there was no kiwi I had to paint my shoes with fat to. I took a paperbag put books and biros then ran my everything, I beated the first corner hardly then as I was beatin the second corner I heard the school bell cry ncgririr nkngrirriririri nckgrrrirrrrr!!! I knew nimelate. When I reached the gate!! You don't want to know!! Mr Mogaka was standin at the gate with a big black nyahunyo. I was so afraid that I almost urinated. I was asked "why are you late? I said " makaa was poured with water at night" teacher asked " what has that to do with you coming to school late" I told him " the jiko was late to burn so it delayed cookin strong' he said that is no excuse!! Touch your toes!! I started to remove my shoes so I can touch the toes but he told me I just meant bend, he gave me the first nyahunyo on my buttocks,,hehe it was as hot as a boiling water, I dried that one, he gave me the second one pap!! This one was much hotter n started hearing to cry, when the third one was given to me I heard so much pain that I touched my buttocks, the teacher said " you have erased that one!! I will have to give you another one!! When I was given the fourth nyahunyo, tears started getting out of my eyes uncontoullably,, the teacher said," You removing tears for who!! I don't want to see even a smell of tear, ran to class and don't late tomorrow. My buttocks as I went to class were hearing as if sitting in a burning jiko.. I dried the tears because my classmate would laugh at me for crying. When I entered class I walked slowly to my desk and when I tried to sit it was so pain I could not seet. So I seeted on air above my chair holding my desk. From that day I sweya I will never come to school late again even if the makaa was poured on water!!!. If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,237 Location: Vacuum
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Magigi wrote:C&P HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly 45. go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes Atleast am 49 of those demands by women If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/23/2009 Posts: 2,375
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C&P A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have an 'airport'?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have an airport?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have an airport?' 'Yes, actually I do,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt... -Mark Twain
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Rank: Elder Joined: 2/7/2007 Posts: 11,935 Location: Nairobi
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 12/8/2009 Posts: 975 Location: Nairobi
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bkismat wrote:C&P
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have an 'airport'?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have an airport?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have an airport?' 'Yes, actually I do,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' i thought "airport" is a wazua only lingua. You will know that you have arrived when money and time are not mutually exclusive "events" in you life!
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Rank: User Joined: 9/6/2013 Posts: 1,446 Location: In a house
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# TuNaombaSerikali 1.Inyang'anye wakalenjin kambio kidogo igawie watu wa pwani. 2.Ichote maji kidogo indian ocean imwage ukambani. 3.Inyang'anye dida wife mmoja ipatie maina kageni. 4.Inyang'anye mike sonko pesa kidogo igawie bonoko safara wa mungu. 5.Inyang'anye wapwani kakiswahili kidogo igawie wajaluo donge....? 6.Inyang'anye PLO Lumumba kakizungu kidogo ipatie kalembe ndile. 7.Inyang'anye waluhya kuku kadhaa igawie kila mkenya. 8.Inyang'anye wajaluo karomance kidogo igawie wakikuyu. 9.Inyang'anye watu wa west pokot ng'ombe kidogo ipatie museveni. 10.Itengeneze the road to success ikue super highway ndo kila mtu afike haraka. 11.Inyang'anye miguna miguna jina moja ipatie nameless. 12.Inyang'anye madem wa kamba nyege kiasi ipatie madem wa masaai. 13.Inyang'anye shirandula unono kidogo ipee erick omondi. 14.Inyang'anye francis atwoli maneno kiasi ipatie bibi ya uhuru kenyatta 15.Inyang'anye nzi ujinga ndo ianze kutengeneza asali. 16.Iambie cocacola wajaze soda kwa chupa.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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MUSEVENI IS ON FIRE. And in the typical Museveni fashion,He has issued more SEXUAL REGULATIONS. 1.Blow job is illegal. Your mouth is... not a toilet. You are therefore forbidden to transform your mouth into some kind of toilet by allowing all kind of genitals in it. If You must blow,blow your nose. 2. 69 is a number. A simple mathematical number. And it should remain so. It belongs to classrooms, NOT Bedrooms. 3. It is wrong to be TURNED ON. You are not an electric switch. Only an electric switch should be turned on. Not a human being. Know your roles. 4. MOANING should STOP. Not unless You are moaning the loss of a relative at a funeral. Otherwise any other kind of moaning is highly outlawed. Especially in Bedrooms. 5. Every Ugandan is entitled to 5MBs ONLY per day. Excess data bundles will tempt you to visit pornographic sites. No Ugandan should purchase more than 5 MBs. If You need more,please register with the Kampala C.I.D Department first. 6. Your Whatsaap conversations MUST BE conducted in GROUPS of 10. No private Whatsaap conversations. You must identify 10 mutual friends,create a Whatsaap Group and join it. And EVERY GROUP MUST include atleast ONE police officer.We MUST see what kind of photos You are exchanging. 7. Ladies,You are FORBIDDEN to be wet around Your Man NOT UNLESS You are washing his clothes, cooking for him or rinsing rice. 7. Men,You are forbidden to ask a random girl to "send You pics" . And Ladies,if any man wants pics,The Ugandan Law requires You to send him pictures of Government Developments in your constituency. 8. ALL SOCIALITES Must get a certificate of Good Conduct from the Kampala C.I.D Headquarters before posting photos on Instagram. 9. Twerking is ILLEGAL. And if You must twerk,You must first deposit U $h.2,500 to the National Bank of Uganda. And as You twerk,You must make sure that Your ass is atleast 1 meter away from the ground. 10. The official Ugandan position is Missionary position. Any other position is American and currently,America is our number one enemy! Missionary is also good because it will be our simple way of saying ''thankyou" to Missionaries who brought the Gospel to Us. 11. The Ugandan Intelligence Service has learnt that Any Chemist selling Viagra is being funded by the West to overthrow the Government. So,all Chemists are put on a serious Government notice. And Viagra has been declared a National threat. 12. The Ugandan National Football team MUST BE ammended. Its unacceptable that a bunch of 11 men can be running after one another,falling over one another, hugging one another in public and locking themselves up in one room to change. From today,the Ugangan Football team must include 2 women. Preferably police officers. With guns. And ALL FOOTBALL matches must be played in the nearest police station. 13. And finally,the biblical book of HAGAi. Which includes the word "Haga" has been banned in Uganda. Thankyou. Ugandan Government ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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McReggae wrote:MUSEVENI IS ON FIRE. And in the typical Museveni fashion,He has issued more SEXUAL REGULATIONS. 1.Blow job is illegal. Your mouth is... not a toilet. You are therefore forbidden to transform your mouth into some kind of toilet by allowing all kind of genitals in it. If You must blow,blow your nose. 2. 69 is a number. A simple mathematical number. And it should remain so. It belongs to classrooms, NOT Bedrooms. 3. It is wrong to be TURNED ON. You are not an electric switch. Only an electric switch should be turned on. Not a human being. Know your roles. 4. MOANING should STOP. Not unless You are moaning the loss of a relative at a funeral. Otherwise any other kind of moaning is highly outlawed. Especially in Bedrooms. 5. Every Ugandan is entitled to 5MBs ONLY per day. Excess data bundles will tempt you to visit pornographic sites. No Ugandan should purchase more than 5 MBs. If You need more,please register with the Kampala C.I.D Department first. 6. Your Whatsaap conversations MUST BE conducted in GROUPS of 10. No private Whatsaap conversations. You must identify 10 mutual friends,create a Whatsaap Group and join it. And EVERY GROUP MUST include atleast ONE police officer.We MUST see what kind of photos You are exchanging. 7. Ladies,You are FORBIDDEN to be wet around Your Man NOT UNLESS You are washing his clothes, cooking for him or rinsing rice. 7. Men,You are forbidden to ask a random girl to "send You pics" . And Ladies,if any man wants pics,The Ugandan Law requires You to send him pictures of Government Developments in your constituency. 8. ALL SOCIALITES Must get a certificate of Good Conduct from the Kampala C.I.D Headquarters before posting photos on Instagram. 9. Twerking is ILLEGAL. And if You must twerk,You must first deposit U $h.2,500 to the National Bank of Uganda. And as You twerk,You must make sure that Your ass is atleast 1 meter away from the ground. 10. The official Ugandan position is Missionary position. Any other position is American and currently,America is our number one enemy! Missionary is also good because it will be our simple way of saying ''thankyou" to Missionaries who brought the Gospel to Us. 11. The Ugandan Intelligence Service has learnt that Any Chemist selling Viagra is being funded by the West to overthrow the Government. So,all Chemists are put on a serious Government notice. And Viagra has been declared a National threat. 12. The Ugandan National Football team MUST BE ammended. Its unacceptable that a bunch of 11 men can be running after one another,falling over one another, hugging one another in public and locking themselves up in one room to change. From today,the Ugangan Football team must include 2 women. Preferably police officers. With guns. And ALL FOOTBALL matches must be played in the nearest police station. 13. And finally,the biblical book of HAGAi. Which includes the word "Haga" has been banned in Uganda. Thankyou. Ugandan Government Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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BINYAVANGA UPDATES STATUS: i wont enter uganda again, through the front, i'll use the back door! MAINA KAGENI and OBAMA like this. MUSEVENI COMMENTS: @binya dont come to uganda or i will make you leave something bad and go for something so good. BINYA: it is you who is using something so bad. We dont have to worry about sijui safe days, bad days etc, everyday is a safe day. MUSEVENI: what about during diarrhoea days?... MUGABE likes this. BINYA: nkt thats none of your business! MUSEVENI: if it is none of my business why do you want me to care? Why dont you carry your placards in your bedrooms and ask those rights from your partners? MUGABE likes this. OBAMA: @museveni, no more aid to you. MUSEVENI: we dont need your aid, we have enough bananas to eat. MUGABE: @obama, you failed to answer my proposal, will you marry me?? OBAMA: america will not entertain backward people, this is the 21st century! SIZE 8: @museveni iyo ya miniskirt hapana. MUSEVENI: @size 8, those matekes of yours just kick them in kenya. JIMMY GAIT: mtu amesema Makekes?? BINYAVANGA: @jimmy gait, btw uko single?? Hiyo skinny jeans ya yellow umevaa kwa video ya makekes imekutoa poa sana. MUSEVENI: he he he @binyavanga, now what if your father was gay, si you would be in somebody's buttocks as we speak? #BINYAVANGA DELETES POST ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,237 Location: Vacuum
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McReggae wrote:BINYAVANGA UPDATES STATUS: i wont enter uganda again, through the front, i'll use the back door! MAINA KAGENI and OBAMA like this. MUSEVENI COMMENTS: @binya dont come to uganda or i will make you leave something bad and go for something so good. BINYA: it is you who is using something so bad. We dont have to worry about sijui safe days, bad days etc, everyday is a safe day. MUSEVENI: what about during diarrhoea days?... MUGABE likes this. BINYA: nkt thats none of your business! MUSEVENI: if it is none of my business why do you want me to care? Why dont you carry your placards in your bedrooms and ask those rights from your partners? MUGABE likes this. OBAMA: @museveni, no more aid to you. MUSEVENI: we dont need your aid, we have enough bananas to eat. MUGABE: @obama, you failed to answer my proposal, will you marry me?? OBAMA: america will not entertain backward people, this is the 21st century! SIZE 8: @museveni iyo ya miniskirt hapana. MUSEVENI: @size 8, those matekes of yours just kick them in kenya. JIMMY GAIT: mtu amesema Makekes?? BINYAVANGA: @jimmy gait, btw uko single?? Hiyo skinny jeans ya yellow umevaa kwa video ya makekes imekutoa poa sana. MUSEVENI: he he he @binyavanga, now what if your father was gay, si you would be in somebody's buttocks as we speak? #BINYAVANGA DELETES POST ION. They say Museveni doesn't even like men saying "I love Jesus" If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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McReggae wrote:MUSEVENI IS ON FIRE. And in the typical Museveni fashion,He has issued more SEXUAL REGULATIONS. 1.Blow job is illegal. Your mouth is... not a toilet. You are therefore forbidden to transform your mouth into some kind of toilet by allowing all kind of genitals in it. If You must blow,blow your nose. 2. 69 is a number. A simple mathematical number. And it should remain so. It belongs to classrooms, NOT Bedrooms. 3. It is wrong to be TURNED ON. You are not an electric switch. Only an electric switch should be turned on. Not a human being. Know your roles. 4. MOANING should STOP. Not unless You are moaning the loss of a relative at a funeral. Otherwise any other kind of moaning is highly outlawed. Especially in Bedrooms. 5. Every Ugandan is entitled to 5MBs ONLY per day. Excess data bundles will tempt you to visit pornographic sites. No Ugandan should purchase more than 5 MBs. If You need more,please register with the Kampala C.I.D Department first. 6. Your Whatsaap conversations MUST BE conducted in GROUPS of 10. No private Whatsaap conversations. You must identify 10 mutual friends,create a Whatsaap Group and join it. And EVERY GROUP MUST include atleast ONE police officer.We MUST see what kind of photos You are exchanging. 7. Ladies,You are FORBIDDEN to be wet around Your Man NOT UNLESS You are washing his clothes, cooking for him or rinsing rice. 7. Men,You are forbidden to ask a random girl to "send You pics" . And Ladies,if any man wants pics,The Ugandan Law requires You to send him pictures of Government Developments in your constituency. 8. ALL SOCIALITES Must get a certificate of Good Conduct from the Kampala C.I.D Headquarters before posting photos on Instagram. 9. Twerking is ILLEGAL. And if You must twerk,You must first deposit U $h.2,500 to the National Bank of Uganda. And as You twerk,You must make sure that Your ass is atleast 1 meter away from the ground. 10. The official Ugandan position is Missionary position. Any other position is American and currently,America is our number one enemy! Missionary is also good because it will be our simple way of saying ''thankyou" to Missionaries who brought the Gospel to Us. 11. The Ugandan Intelligence Service has learnt that Any Chemist selling Viagra is being funded by the West to overthrow the Government. So,all Chemists are put on a serious Government notice. And Viagra has been declared a National threat. 12. The Ugandan National Football team MUST BE ammended. Its unacceptable that a bunch of 11 men can be running after one another,falling over one another, hugging one another in public and locking themselves up in one room to change. From today,the Ugangan Football team must include 2 women. Preferably police officers. With guns. And ALL FOOTBALL matches must be played in the nearest police station. 13. And finally,the biblical book of HAGAi. Which includes the word "Haga" has been banned in Uganda. Thankyou. Ugandan Government
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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McReggae wrote:BINYAVANGA UPDATES STATUS: i wont enter uganda again, through the front, i'll use the back door! MAINA KAGENI and OBAMA like this. MUSEVENI COMMENTS: @binya dont come to uganda or i will make you leave something bad and go for something so good. BINYA: it is you who is using something so bad. We dont have to worry about sijui safe days, bad days etc, everyday is a safe day. MUSEVENI: what about during diarrhoea days?... MUGABE likes this. BINYA: nkt thats none of your business! MUSEVENI: if it is none of my business why do you want me to care? Why dont you carry your placards in your bedrooms and ask those rights from your partners? MUGABE likes this. OBAMA: @museveni, no more aid to you. MUSEVENI: we dont need your aid, we have enough bananas to eat. MUGABE: @obama, you failed to answer my proposal, will you marry me?? OBAMA: america will not entertain backward people, this is the 21st century! SIZE 8: @museveni iyo ya miniskirt hapana. MUSEVENI: @size 8, those matekes of yours just kick them in kenya. JIMMY GAIT: mtu amesema Makekes?? BINYAVANGA: @jimmy gait, btw uko single?? Hiyo skinny jeans ya yellow umevaa kwa video ya makekes imekutoa poa sana. MUSEVENI: he he he @binyavanga, now what if your father was gay, si you would be in somebody's buttocks as we speak? #BINYAVANGA DELETES POST Kdff
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Yesterday night I was listening to this talk show on TV where this marriage counselor, a one Prof. Bathlomeo Ogutu Mak’ Anyimbo Nyakwar Ondege was advising a young couple. This is how it went: “Pardon my indulgence but I believe it is very wrong for a married woman to allow a strange man to detain her aesthetic senses with an intention of making a pilgrimage to her genitals by irrigating her throat with some ethanol in your absence. If you are a man just about to get married, never let your soon to be immediate former better half to do that otherwise you should demand that she details the meaning of that occurrence with maximum speed and minimum delay? If she starts to camouflage this situation by referring to you as baby, tell her to save her breath because you just intercepted her with her thorax inclined to the ground, her rear-end in congruent to this man’s scrotums, pendulating her posterior vigorously against a 3rd party's gonads in the name of dancing to a “bend-over” song. The man is definitely harboring an erotic suggestion as pertains to your wife and if he goes ahead to submerge your intellect inside deception, then you have no option but to propel your fist to be in union with his jaws. Why should another man transact kingfishers for your woman yet we all aren’t foreign to the intellect that kingfishers are a catalyst for descending a female’s inner regalia. And if it is your wife who summoned the drinks herself, then it means the two were trying to ignite a conversation that may hopefully yield to some copulation with your wife. I would in that case advise you to threaten the fool to sublime from that locality before you recall your karate techniques and rehearse them on his frail physique. If he hesitates, then go to the urinals and engage your urethra to dispensate ammonia through titration so that when you come back you can further on exchange ideology with the pair. If you come back there will be a possibility that the man may have disappeared never to resume that bearing. Now, if he has gone then do not harbor much resentment towards your woman but remind her never to divert her abdominal limbs in opposing directions to any other man but you since the images to her pelvic zones are only relayed to your corneas alone. Then proceed and exchange some oral mucosa (kiss) with her. She will immediately say…”I love you baby”… then take one good look at her, tears in your eyes and then say.... ” Baby, I mirror your sentiments.” ( I love u too)” ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks. The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. "I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on." The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!" "Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me." "Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned." "Thass a great idea!" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned." The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!" "Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too." Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/8/2011 Posts: 482 Location: Nairobi
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4lourBliss wrote:A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/8/2011 Posts: 482 Location: Nairobi
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4lourBliss wrote:A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
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Just for laughs...corner
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