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Rank: Member Joined: 10/14/2011 Posts: 661
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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah Lord.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Rank: Member Joined: 8/2/2010 Posts: 480 Location: chokoo
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C&P
food for thought
A girl had really talked about her boyfriend to
her female friends.
She told them how rich, caring, generous &
handsome her guy is, and that he will be
coming to visit her the next evening.
Expectations from everyone were high. The
guy actually came the next evening as he
promised but with a loaf of BREAD as a gift to
his girl.
The girl was very annoyed & disapointed.
She threw the bread at the guy & insulted him
to the fullest in the presence of everyone.
The Bread fell down, into carefully lovely shaped pieces...
into two & behold, A CAR KEY & ENGAGEMENT
RING fell out of the bread.
Now my questions,
(1). If you are the girl, what will you do?
(2) If you are the boy will you forgive the girl.
Send to people (friends) and get their reply.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/15/2011 Posts: 4,518
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karqui wrote:C&P
food for thought
A girl had really talked about her boyfriend to
her female friends.
She told them how rich, caring, generous &
handsome her guy is, and that he will be
coming to visit her the next evening.
Expectations from everyone were high. The
guy actually came the next evening as he
promised but with a loaf of BREAD as a gift to
his girl.
The girl was very annoyed & disapointed.
She threw the bread at the guy & insulted him
to the fullest in the presence of everyone.
The Bread fell down, into carefully lovely shaped pieces...
into two & behold, A CAR KEY & ENGAGEMENT
RING fell out of the bread.
Now my questions,
(1). If you are the girl, what will you do?
(2) If you are the boy will you forgive the girl.
Send to people (friends) and get their reply. Damn I could bust somebody who claimed to have done this for her gf in UNILAG.(ngeria) claims to hv left the silly girl after this embarrasment.  .chewpid guy. "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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Ati 'if abortion is murder, then a blow job is cannibalism'......eeeeeiiiissssshhhhh If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/28/2008 Posts: 2,276 Location: Kibish
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vinii wrote:Ati 'if abortion is murder, then a blow job is cannibalism'......eeeeeiiiissssshhhhh Nadondosha meli kubwa seuze ngalawa!
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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One day,the pussy decided to take a tour around the body,On its way,it found the kidney and asked, "Who are you?" "Am the Kidney," it said. The pussy Said, "Its not you that am Looking For" Pussy continued with its tour when it found the lungs and asked, "Who are you?" the Lungs said, "You mean you Dont know me? Am the famous Lungs!" "Ok, its not you that am looking for. "On its way,it met the heart and asked,"Who are you?" "Am the heart!" It replied.."COME here,its you that av been looking for, i have to deal with you accordingly!" "The Heart was Shocked and asked,"WHAT HAVE I DONE?" The Pussy Replied,"You go falling in Love ♥ with everybody, and at the end of it,am the one who actually get Screwed!!" “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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A girl dreamt that she died and came back to earth as a Chicken. She then became pregnant and tried to lay eggs as a chicken. she pushed and pushed, then she laid the 1st egg. Shortly afterwards, she laid the 2nd egg. she was pushing hard to lay the 3rd egg when her room mate screamed "Caroline wake up, you are Shitting on Bed." “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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NEVER FORCE CHILDREN TO PRAY At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer... BOY- But i dont know how to pray DAD- Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc BOY- "Dear Lord" he started, Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they wont come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN . . . . . Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening…… “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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A girl scrolled through her guy's phone and saw funny girls names saved in the contact list such as Rachael-stingy, Gloria-small breast, Mary-long teeth, Tracy-big ear and she was having fun laughing at all the names she saw. She decided to check out wat her own number has been saved as, as she dialed her line, wat she saw was Sandra-mouth odour “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MOTHER AND DAUGHTER Daughter: i am pregnant mum Mother: How come? Daughter: it was an accident. Mother: U mean u were walking down the road and fell on an erect penis? “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/31/2008 Posts: 7,081 Location: Kenya
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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 ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/11/2006 Posts: 884
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This guy is screwing this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies, "No". She responds, "Oh, thank heaven for that! I don't want to get that again!" “Invest in yourself. Your career is the engine of your wealth.”
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Rank: Elder Joined: 2/11/2007 Posts: 1,680 Location: nairobi
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priorities...the bigger you get, the smaller you run after...shiet!!!!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/18/2011 Posts: 12,069 Location: Kianjokoma
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Rais Raila Kibaki 
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/20/2012 Posts: 3,855 Location: Othumo
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ngapat wrote:One day,the pussy decided to take a tour around the body,On its way,it found the kidney and asked,
"Who are you?" "Am the Kidney," it said.
The pussy Said, "Its not you that am Looking For"
Pussy continued with its tour when it found the lungs and asked,
"Who are you?" the Lungs said, "You mean you Dont know me? Am the famous Lungs!"
"Ok, its not you that am looking for.
"On its way,it met the heart and asked,"Who are you?"
"Am the heart!"
It replied.."COME here,its you that av been looking for, i have to deal with you accordingly!"
"The Heart was Shocked and asked,"WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
The Pussy Replied,"You go falling in Love ♥ with everybody, and at the end of it,am the one who actually get Screwed!!"  Thieves
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 8/25/2010 Posts: 97 Location: Kenya
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Saw this last week on a Matatu sticker
"Ile siku utaelevuka, utashinda umelala"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/23/2009 Posts: 2,375
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 It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt...
-Mark Twain
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/23/2009 Posts: 2,375
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The power of the human mind. Can you read this?  It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt...
-Mark Twain
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/28/2006 Posts: 1,799
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