ONYANGO HAD TAKEN NJERI TO LUANDA KO-TIENO TO INTRODUCE HER TO HIS
FATHER BUT DID THE MISTAKE OF LEAVING HIS FATHER WITH NJERI WHILE GOING
TO SAY HI TO THE NEIGHBOURS*

FATHER: I deduce from ur luminated body that ur from the lineage of
... ... solanum tubelosum (nyar-rabuon)
NJERI: sorry?
FATHER: mimi kwisaulisa kama wewe iko okuyu
NJERI: yea im kiuk
FATHER: do u harbour the intellect that my son is not bombarded with
currency and that ur attachement with him must purely stem from
emossons?
NJERI: yes..i love ur son very much
FATHER: tremendous. so r u entertaining trials at hypothesising a
possible union?
NJERI: yes, we are engaged.
FATHER: wewe nakaribiswa hapa sana
NJERI: thank u....eeeh please show me to the ladies washrooms
FATHER: it is within 23 degrees south west of this structure. there is a
tree within its close proximity that is endowed with ernomous foliage of
leaves which we utilise to frictionate against the periphery of our anal
opening to rid off faecate residue after excreating
NJERI: Sorry?
FATHER: mimi kwisa-ambia wewe sisi hatumii tisuuuu ..sisi napangusa na
obokle
NJERI: ok thanks but i carried an extra tissue
FATHER: ohh..u had forecasted that u will be harbouring the urge to
dispensate stool?. kijana yangu kwisapata a wise matrimonial associate
NJERI: thanx
FATHER: lakini iko namna hii. this is contrary to the toilets ur
accustomed to in nairobi . we posses a pit latrine
NJERI: haina shida...
FATHER: No..there exist challanges. u have to exercise precision while
faecating. the margin for error is minimal as that will necessiate ur
stool frictionating against the sides of the toilet hole and thereby
injurious to the aesthetics of the pit latrine
NJERI: sorry, what?
FATHER: yaani na-ambia wewe that kabla ya wewe ku-achilia, make sua
matako yako na-ambatana sambamba na shimo
NJERI: Ok
FATHER: then make sua that ur first attempt has achieved pin-point
accuracy as it will set precedence path for the other subsequent
discharges. u know it will be challenging since unlike the toilets u
have in nairobi where u just sit, here ur rear-end is suspended in the
air dangling in absencia of support and may make aiming a herculine task
.on a positive note, u dont need to flas as gravity will take care of ur
emissions. wewe naelewa haya yote?
NJERI: eeegh...yeah, kinda.....
FATHER: or are u orchastrating the ejection of semi-solid faecate
involuntarily without ur consent?
NJERI: ehhh whats that?
FATHER: mimi naulisa kama wewe nahara? kama wewe iko nahara apana
aibika, na-ambia tu mimi napeleka wewe kwa msituni alafu wewe nahara
bila wasi wasi . hapana hara kwa choo, wewe naesa chafulia sisi hapo
sawasawa

Continuation...
MADMAN: know wake up i land it myself ( The mad make flexes his muscles and the moves to oust the pilot)
PILOT: Wait! Go call them so that they see you landing it

@Mnjoro
...You are finised...wewe kwisa!!!

where are the plots being sold

of course the humour is halfed after translation

Subject: The bitter truth
To:

Dear Friend,

I refuse to be part of your wedding committee

I got your invitation card to the committee. I see you quoted an amount that I am expected to contribute.I must say that I feel honoured that you remember me. It has been years since the last time we spoke. I remember we used to be in the same school, and we recently befriended each other on Facebook.

However, friend, I must say that this came as a surprise to me. You see, I am unable to afford a wife myself. I have been planning to get a lady and head to the A.G chambers. I hear it will cost me very little money.

I see that your wife is trying to keep up with the Kardashians. It is a dream wedding that she wants. If you are able to afford that, my friend, it will be a very good thing to do.But, kindly do not tie me to financial obligations when mine are choking me. The current economic times have put a rope around everyone’s neck. I cannot afford 10,000/- as contribution towards your wedding.

I am willing, more than willing to be a service provider- to oversee pitching of tents, directing guests to the sitting places, showing them the little rooms, collecting gifts.I am willing to attend the committee to pray for your marriage. I am willing to attend your wedding. I am willing to do all this. Friends need friends. But friends don’t exploit friends.

I saw a facebook group you had created earlier as well- something about a goat eating party in preparation for ruracio (pre-wedding). You will forgive me, because the first thing I thought was: what a money collecting idea!

I could push myself and bring you a gift on your wedding day. It is a noble thing to do. However, I will not buy you a wife, help you wed her in an expensive ceremony, then stock your house. I often tell people to live within their means. I know you will thank me someday.

If you cannot afford your wife’s dream wedding, and you give it to her still, what happens when she is about to deliver, and she needs a dream delivery at the Aga Khan-Princess Zuhura Pavillion? Will you call us for an emergency ‘my-wife-is-delivering’ committee? When the kid wants to go to school and has to go to Cianda School and Makini School, will you call us in as well? The world has needier people, and more deserving causes!

All I am saying is a wedding, a luxurious one in this case is not for you if you cannot afford three quarter of the money required. If I were a bad person, I would have told you not to ask me to help you marry because I am gonna sleep with her. But see, I explained myself as politely as I could. --