Sometimes last year I read an article by Njoki Kaigai (DN) telling all who wished to listen that women would love to see more good bodies like that of Sidney Ashioya (Hope he scores in tomorrow’s meet in Las Vegas)! Very true, even us men would like to have such bodies. But the smell of goat meat makes that goal almost unachievable, a pipe dream like vision 2030! Already I am salivating for that Mbuzi 6, not considering that I will have attacked almost four other goats before then!!! I have found myself postponing having a body like that by 10 years! I have seen men approach a goat choma joint, sniff the smoke emanating from there, pack their car and order for a choma bite, something that was not in their plans. The result of that behavior is all evident…large tummies, no buttocks and spindly hairy legs!!! A sight that a chimpanzee can laugh at! We are not even talking about zero performance on matters bedroom.
It was such a nice read that I felt compelled to issue a statement on the state of women we have around too! My thoughts were also motivated by what I saw yesterday as I walked around town. Come with me and let us see…
Men all over the world have always lusted for nice looking women. There are a few things that are a complete turn off for men and I will deal with each one by one.
Weight: A woman who is above 60kgs is a no. You see most women bring this upon themselves by eating everything and all the time. By doing this they acquire a size akin to an elephant. I once saw a women come to a hospital. I have never seen such a huge creature! The nurse looked at the woman, and quipped, “Madam, we do not take weight in tones. I kindly ask you to go to Mlolongo Weighbridge and have your weight taken. After that please come back so that we can proceed with other procedures”! Here I am not talking about women who have a natural condition. I am talking about normal women. Please cut your weight if you want us to genuinely ogle at you. Bribe Lillian Muli to include you in the next phase of Slimpossible. We like not too fatty women.
I have told you about Plato who broke his leg as he carried his wife (or was it cargo!) upstairs. One day after she had watched ‘La Mujer De Mi Vida’, she asked her hubby, “Prato, my rove, pris carry me upstairs so that I can go and rove you”. Plato looked at the cargo he was being asked to transport upstairs and shook his head. As he engaged the four-wheel drive gear to shift cargo upstairs he tripped, fell and broke one leg. He was at pains to explain to his colleagues how that happened. If you want to be carried upstairs (not to be transported) cut your weight.
Hair: I don’t know why women insist on hairstyles that make them look satanic. If you ask me, Uganda women heads look better than Kenyan ladies (don’t even mention kachabali! They are miles ahead!). There are 3 styles that men approve of as pertains to women hair. Short hair, braids and rasta styles. Period. Anything beyond this spells disaster on a woman’s head. I am made to understand that the human hair cherished by most women is actually pubic hair…hair shaved from there and irrigated by sperms. You see women in the Far East have realized that in Africa there is unquenchable thirst for human hair and since no woman wants to shave her natural hair no matter how much is being offered for it, they are now rearing pubic hair for sale. When it arrives around these areas it is usually very very expensive. If you turn around and see that the lady seating next to you has a weave that looks expensive, that is pubic hair, sheared from an airport in China. Did I also tell you that it has been established that the rubber bands used by ladies to tie their hair are made form used used condoms!!! These Chinese!!! Lakini eneyewe wanatunjengea mabarabara.
Legs: The hot weather is here with us. Our women have gone to their old wardrobes and fished out what I call “Coolants”. I am not talking about that fluid you put in your car to make the engine acquire a certain temperature! No, no, no. I am talking about those pieces of clothes which the Late Wahome Mutahi (Let his soul live forever) would say that the tailor ran out of material and just decided to finish off. These are clothes that arrive too late and end too early, as he used to say. These coolants leave very little to imagination. I don’t mind the sight created by such kind of dressing because it keeps my plough active. The blood in my veins keep running and that is better than ending up in a dialysis machine! The only problem is that I find myself having my hands in my pocket all the time. As I have said I don’t mind the coolants as long as the legs are good. Unfortunately that is not the case. The legs I see in these coolants can put Kun Aguero’s, Rooney’s or Frank Lampard’s legs to shame. After watching the premier league over the weekend, we don’t want to be subjected to another torture for five consecutive days. Some of these women are married. I don’t know how they sneak out of their houses in the morning without their husbands noticing. But again husbands don’t care anymore how their wives dress. After Plato broke his leg, he had to be driven to his place of work by his wife. On her way back she got carjacked. When Plato went to the police station to report he was asked how she was dressed. He could not remember and yet he had just parted with her a few minutes back! Take time and note what kind of panties your wife wears in the morning. She may meet Magigi who is a G collector and may just pass by those stalls and buy another one. How will you know even when you shower together? I f you have no legs to floss around please cover up.
Boobs: This hot weather has also made some ladies stop wearing their bras. The other day I met a lady whose boobs were almost touching the ground and she did not care. If your boobs are not pointing 6 o’clock, please don’t subject them to wear and tear as you drag them on the ground. They need support, like those bananas in the farms that are about to fall and need some wood to support them.
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"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind" Mahatma Gandhi.
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