these are the forms that i filled in to get the job back...
NAME: Kaigangio King'ang'i.
SEX: Five times a week. None with MWK.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Managing Director or Permanent Chairman of Board of Directors. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: ksh 1,500,000 a month or ksh 18,000,000.00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Joseph style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can negotiate.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Veteran in Target for Middle Management Hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and loose leaf pads.
REASON FOR LEAVING: My immediate boss.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 kgs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: Everyone knows Njung'es peugeot 102, 1942 model. I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I was the winner of the best cartoonist but the company denied me that.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the southern coast with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Kaigangio.
...besides, the presence of a safe alone does not signify that there is money inside...