Being a traveller is not an easy thing, especially if you travel by air frequently. There is nothing that you will not be asked to do at the airport’s security checkpoints – remove this, remove that... Now last time I was with you, I guess I mentioned how bums in the UK have nothing to write home about and was eager to come home...to see real bums made in Kenya. And by turning my eyes from those bums I saved 2 Malili plots.
My woes started at the Heathrow security checkpoints. I don’t know why the West is so scared of Osama, even long after he is dead. You see if you look at the area around my zip you will notice that I am a real African man...well endowed with what matters. My plough is capable of cultivating so many acres of land in a day. The two fuel tanks contain a half a litre of high octane fuel at any one given time. Little did I know that this endowment will create trouble for me. After several times of being asked to remove this, that and the other, I was eventually asked if I am sure I am not having any weapon. I jokingly answered, “Man, the only weapon I have, as you can see, is that of women mass destruction”. Like a dog that has heard his master knock, I saw the Mzungu security man wake up and stand at a distance, beckoning his colleagues to pin me on the ground because I was carrying weapons. All this time I was wondering what is happening. I was asked to follow the security men so that I could be searched. I retorted by asking them what I am going to be searched for. I was told that it is like I am hiding something under my pair of trousers. I looked at the fly of my pair of trousers and without too much thought, removed it followed by my boxers...Suddenly I heard a mzungu lady who had been following this drama shout, “wow, he is so well endowed, I wish my husband could have that”.
I asked them if that is all they wanted to see and they were satisfied although I could see one of the guys seemed like he wanted an X-ray performed on the fuel tanks, just to confirm. I looked at a woman who was passing by with a very big bum and was wondering to myself if her buttocks were also construed as bombs. The bum is so big and when she is walking, it is like it is chewing maize. How I wish I had time to talk and compare notes!!! I think that is a GMB (Genetically Modified Buttocks). People in her country must have started eating GMOs many many years back. Last time I told you how I came back from home with a 90 kg sack of ground maize flour, and just like my daughter who asked me whether I had plans of rearing horses, you too laughed at me. You see, it is not just Moi who sees ahead like a giraffe. Magigi too does. I think us Kenyans are the funniest people on earth...We have always eaten GMOs...Those tomatoes that never rot in the supermarkets, those oranges from South Africa, the broiler chicken...etc. If you do not have the discipline of Magigi of filling up your Probox with stuff from your grandmother in the country side, then don’t complain and accept the maize...you have eaten other GMOs before...
Any way I am happy to be back home. But as soon as I arrived, I went to The Ministry of Ploughs and Women Mass Destruction to get a note that will allow me pass through security checks without being bothered too much. This is how it reads:
18 July 2011
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Re: Extra ordinarily big plough and fuel tanksThe bearer of this note possesses an extra ordinarily big plough and two fuel tanks. The fuel tanks can be misconstrued as bombs. That is not the case. He is a peace loving Kenyan who has contributed immensely to solving some of the problems of absentee husbands in Mututho’s constituency. If your government requires his services, the Kenyan government can avail him at a small fee because my country really needs the foreign exchange to finance the free primary education. I am sure he will improve the genes of future generation in your country.
Yours faithfully
Wafwoli Bikoli
Minister of Ploughs and Women Mass Destruction
Government of the Republic of Kenya
Have a nice weekend people
magigistocks@gmail.com