If people don’t know the effects of mixing things, then they had better not try. As best as I know there is only one person who can mix stuff and get home in one piece. It does not matter whether the cats and dogs, upon seeing him take cover. That man is Mjoro. My man here can mix stuff. If you think diluting Famous Grouse with Malt is a child’s play, try it and see if you won’t walk to Waiyaki way and request motorists to run over you! Now, we all know that this brand of mix has come to be known as FGM (Famous Grouse + Malt) invented by Mjoro.
When you take it you are likely to go home and mutilate genitals...not in a bad way...no, no, don’t get me wrong...but in a way that God said they should be mutilated. You see if you take FGM, you are likely to get the strength of Ngunuo, my bull that elders in my village think they have a share of. The good thing with FGM is that it only shows you your bedroom from wherever you are and you rush there ready for mutilation. FGM has a tendency of making one become a terrorist in his bedroom! That kind of terrorism makes the cow happy and when a cow is happy, it releases all the milk!!! FGM does not accelerate your mind to Waiyaki way unless you add something else on top
I don’t usually listen to Iteere, the Police Commissioner when he is talking because he never says anything new. But yesterday, my ears became alert when he mentioned that somebody diluted whisky with wine. Wait a minute, this is new, Mjoro has not even tried this. How could anybody else dare? I thought of trying this but I told myself, “Magigi, are you ready for Waiyaki way”. I waited for an answer from Magigi. “No, magigi, you are not yet ready”. So I have desisted from mixing this. I can’t wait for the next Mbuzi to try it out with Mjoro. Famooz, are you listening?
Yesterday I sat with Shakespeare, the student, just to get the latest news flying around. I think I have mentioned Shakespeare before. He is one guy who knows what is happening in every corner of Nairobi. He knows exactly which butchery is selling rat and warthog meat in Nairobi. I have told you that before. Shakespeare is a worried man. His greatest worry at the moment is where he will ever get a decent woman from Nairobi to marry. After listening to all that he had to say, I gave him a few hints on how he can avoid marrying a Nairobian girl. I have met him on several outings with a few girls and I am telling you...Those girls from his University can drink anything that is fermented. They usually start decently on Woodpecker. After two rounds they graduate to Tusker malt, then to Pilsner (the girl Shakespeare brought last time was calling it Plisner). Then they end up with Guinness. All this in one sitting, imagine. At the end of the sitting they are ready candidates for Waiyaki way. Don’t these girls have counselling services at the university? I know there are many worried young men and women who can’t just find a decent personin this city to marry. I will run you down a few places where you can find a decent man or woman to marry.
If you want a man or woman to marry, go back home, where you came from. There, there are teachers, pastors, farmers, business men and many more. If you marry a teacher from the country side, my friend, you will be the luckiest man on earth. Imagine in Nairobi one skirt suit for a Nairobi girl costs ksh, 16,000 or thereabout. Now if you marry a teacher and you give her ksh 2,000, take her to Eastleigh, she will do shopping for the whole family and give you back some change and you will save the rest. If you are a lady and land on the headmaster of one of those rural schools, my friend, you will be a celebrity. Everybody will talk about you. Those days of barmaids looking at you badly because you are always in their bar waiting for men to buy you whatever drink they can afford will be long gone. Don’t tell anybody that I am telling you these secrets!
But you and Shakespeare, as you search for companions outside Nairobi, there are some places you should avoid. One of them is Mututho’s constituency. I mean who wants to marry a man who will always be in diapers. Do you want to spent the rest of your life changing a grown up man diapers? No, no. That is why I sympathise with Mututho. The man has a reason to loathe alcohol. Not that he cares whether it burns people’s livers or makes others walk to Waiyaki way and request motorists to run over them. No, no. He is worried because his voters, who are all drunks, are likely to sleep the whole day on that voting day in 2012. That is his greatest worry.
There are some other places in Ukambani and kikuyu you should avoid. Those places have men who do business on wheel chairs. It is not because they are incapacitated in any way. No, no. It is because their feet have been ravaged by jiggers. Thanks to mobile telephony. They are able to conduct business using mobile phones. They are too mean to buy dettol to wash their jiggers off. Avoid those men. They are a sure recipe for disaster in your life. Avoid them.
If you decide to go searching either in Migingo or Ogingo, forget and map out again. All those men have owners every day. When they come back from the waters in the morning after spending a whole night fishing, nearly all their fish is taken by women who wait by the lakeside. I hear a man could be having as many as ten women per day. And the price is one helping per five fish! Those are places you should avoid.
If you are a girl and you intend to get married, don’t show your man that you are the champion of love, like Ngunuo, the first night. I have heard of stories that stun men the first night they spend with their girlfriends. By the time the night is over, those men will have already started searching elsewhere. Imagine a girl who wakes you up in the middle of the night so that you can imitate dogs. No, No...That is a no. If my memory serves me well, when I was teaching Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, many many years ago, there is that main character called Okonkwo. In one village called Abame, a whiteman has come and established himself and the men there have done nothing to prevent the whiteman from living there. So Okonkwo wonders aloud, “You may even want to tell me that the women in Abame sleep on top of their men when they are making the children”. You can imagine how many times I taught that one page, with detailed notes and pictures!!! When you are searching, think like Okonkwo. In fact the only style you know is what Maina Kageni calls...staili ya kifo cha mende. If you don’t know that style call Maina Kageni for a detailed description, both theory and practicals!!!
If you are man and she comes visiting and as you are ready to partake of what you have been fighting for she informs you that it is her 14th day, don’t rush to your drawer and pull out your imported condoms. Though you have many stuffed in there ask her, “what are we going to do”. And she will tell you, “I don’t know”. After some silence, she will ask you, “Don’t you have a CD”. And your reply will be, “Oh no, I don’t keep that stuff in my house. In fact I have never used those things”. Then after sleeping for some time and your thing starts paining because all the blood has decided to converge there, tell her you will go borrow from your neighbour friend. Then now you can rush to your drawer, pick a pack and dash out pretending that you are going to your neighbour...By the time morning comes you will all have forgotten about the life jackets....And she will come back many more times. I am just advising.
Have a blessed weekend and as you go visiting your boyfriends remember staili ni ya kifo cha mende peke yake until further notice.
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