Dear Friends,

The world may be going to hell in a handbasket but we can always have a good laugh at it all.

So, in case your broker is bamboozling you with financial lingo, here's what they all mean:

Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don't have it, for something that they don't need.

Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.

Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.

Bank: A place that will lend you money (and an umbrella insurance plan) only when you don't need it.

Bear Market: Eight months when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Broker: The person that you trust with thousands of your hard earned dollars. Hello!

Broker: What my broker has made me or Poorer than you were last year.

Budget: Written proof that you can't afford the things you want.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO: Chief Fraud Officer.

Day Trader: A more socially acceptable gambling addict.

Discounted Stock: A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.

EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor.

EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence.

FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards.

Institutional Investor: An incompletely successful investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Profit: A man that prays to God.

Stock Analyst: The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Market Correction: The term your broker uses for a financial market crash.

Stock Split: When your former wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.


Enjoy your Easter!


Kind regards,

Kinuthia Karanja
karanjakinuthia@hotmail.com

Lolest u made my day.

@cde, to answer 4. The US having the monopoly of the dollar its hard to realy know the true value of the dollar. Look at US govt debt and it gives you a signal of where they might be heading to no wonder the BRIC economies are trying to push for a new reserve currency. Keenly look at who or which country is highly trading in gold and it will truly show you what they think of the currency they hold. While the US is heavily dependent on credit some of its large banks are still in trouble, though i've not seen the numbers yet, analysts expected a drop in Citigroups earnings(3rd largest US bank). I do believe that if China continues to play its currency devaluation games, it's more hard times for the US economy & the greenback. Just a btw, AUD hit a 29 yr high against the dollar (Australia's economy relies heavily on mining)

@ all,

does anyone know how many individual investors there are at the NSE???