Wonderful Explanations

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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How much confidence do you have in your Companies products?

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,

he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!! !

SOMO LA KISWAHILI- NGELI YA TAFSIRI

Kiswahili on softwares & websites...

Kiswahili is the funniest of all languages. At least where computers are
concerned. Now that I hear they will soon be releasing software and
websites
in swahili, I went ahead and gave them a few translations to some of the
things we are used to using in English.

On Microsoft Word...

Save- Okoa
Shift cells right- Peleka Jela zote kulia
Insert- Ingiza
Redo- Fanya tena
Undo- Fanyua
Insert table- Ingiza meza
Insert break- Ingiza na uvunje
Select all- Chagua wote
Cut- Tahirisha
Change Case- Badilisha Kesi
Upper case- Kesi ya juu
Lower case- Kesi ya hali ya chini
Italize- Fanya jambo kama waitaliano

On the internet

Go- Kwenda
Facebook- Kitabu cha nyuso
MySpace- Mahala pangu
Yahoo- Ya nani
Google- Jina lisilo na maana. Latamkwa sana sana na watoto wanaojifunza
kuongea

Inbox- Sanduku la ndani
Outbox- Sanduku la nje
Search- Sorora/Sakanya
Click here- Pigia mdomo hapa
Sign out- Peleka saini nje
Download- Mzigo uliyo chini
Hits- Kutwangwa mara mingi
Bookmark- Alama kwenye kitabu
Back- Mgongo
Home page- Ukurasa wa nyumbani
Log in- Mti ndani
Log out- Mti nje

So have a great swahili day, won't you?

Paka mzee......