LOL ! enjoy these JokeS
joke 1 .
A man goes to a shrink and
says,
'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me. Every evening she
goes to Larry's bar and picks
up men. She goes with
anybody who asks her! I'm
going crazy.. What should I
do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take
a deep breath and calm
down. Now, tell me, exactly
where is Larry's bar?'
AHAHAHAHA.
JOKE 2.
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant
programmer, can always be
found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.
Bob works independently,
without
3 wasting company time talking
to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting
fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on
time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his
work, sometimes skipping
coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high
accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly
believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber
employee, the type which
cannot be
11 dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend
that Bob be
12 promoted to executive
management, and a proposal will
be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my
shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly
re-read only the ODD numbered
lines.
HAHAHAHAHA.
JOKE 3.
A Rasta man walks into a bank carrying a bag of weed nd hands it over 2
da cashier,SHOCKED! The cashier asks: wats dis 4? The Rasta replied: am
here 2 open a JOINT account.
hahahahahahASHAHAHA
JOKE 4.
this iz just 2 funny....HERE IS THE JOKE :::::::::::
2 detectives trained in spotting clues go on a camping trip. They set up their tent in è woods & fall asleep. Some hrs later è detective wakes up & says 2 hs friend "look @ è sky & tell me what u see." The 2nd replies "l see a million stars." 1st detective says "what does that tell u?" 2nd guy says "astronomically it tells me there r millions of galaxies & potentially billions of planets. Astrologically it tells me Libra is in Leo. Timewise it appears 2 be a quater past 3. Theologically, it is evident è Lord is all powerful & we r small & insignificant. Meteorologically it seems we'll hv a beautiful day 2morow. What does it tell u?" the 1st detective says "u idiot, it tells me someone hs stolen our tent!"
hahahahahaha.
JOKE 5.
THIS IS FUNNY LIK WOOOOOOW !!!!.Enjoy.
Pastor: u need to join the army of the lord
Jonny: i'm already in the army of the lord.
Pastor: how come i see u only at xmas and easter?
Jonny: I'm in the secret service!
hahahahahaha!!!
JOKE 6.
hav u ever noticed that it's ONLY in Kenya wea pple dont want to be responsible for finishing there sentences...... Nikae......nda, sio po.....a
HAHAHAHAHAH.
JOKE (i hav lost track,lol).Enjoy.
Only in Kenya does a folk ask ......"Waiter Uko na Kuku choma? Eh Iko! Haya basi nipatie Githeri!! "
y ask 4 kuku choma in the first place..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ONLY IN KENYA.
NEXT JOKE
”the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source, and it passes inaperçu.." Bob Marley -1789
hahahahahah
Another joke
A bus stops n 2 italian men get on.thy seat themselves n engage in an animated conversation.the lady sittin behind them ignores their talk @ 1st,bt she listens in horror as 1 of the men says the followin,"Emma come 1st.den I come.2 asses,dey come together.I come again.2 asses,dey come together again.I come again n pee twice.then I come once more"
The lady retorted indignantly,"U foulmouthed swine!in ths country,we dnt talk abt our sex lives in public!"
To which the man said,"Hey,coola down lady....imma jst tellun my friend howa ta spella MISSISSIPPI"
Another JOke
A kikamba alphabet lesson !!!!!!
1. A (Hay) FOR HUNDERWEAR (Underwear)
2 . B (Mbi) FOR Mbushy (Bushy)
3. C FOR CEENAKI (Snake)
4. D (Ndi) FOR NDAMBILIU (W)
5. E (Hii) FOR HEATING (Eating)
6. F (Hef) FOR FINJAWT (Peugeot)
7. G (Nji) FOR NGONJIAS (Gorgeous)
8. H FOR ONY (Horny)
9. I FOR ICCUPS (Hiccups)
10. J (Njei) FOR NJUIS (Juice)
11. K FOR KETO (Kettle)
12. L (Elo) FOR LEMBO (Label )
13. M FOR MBIGIE-NJI (Big - G)
14. N FOR NGILINI (Green)
15. O FOR HOMBIT (Orbit)
16. P FOR FACKING (Parking)
17. Q FOR KWININE (Quinine)
18. R FOR LAIS (Rice )
19. S FOR SONJA (Soldier)
20. T FOR TWINGOH (Twinkle)
21. U FOR YULAINO (Urinal)
22. V FOR FENGETEMBOS (Vegetables)
23. W FOR "SII NDII" (See D Above)
24. X FOR ENZEL ( Excel)
25. Y FOR Y (Why)
26. Z ( Nzedi) FOR NZED (Z)
hahahahaha
Anotha joke
A man is drivin down a country road wen he sees many people in a homestead. He inquires wots goin on. One man replies "Mr. Joe's donkey kicked his mother-in-law n she died" "She must have had so many friends",he replies "No," replies the man, "We all want to buy his donkey"
Another joke
Had a wonderful start 2 my day. I woke up in the morning then i took a nap
joke Another .
A man goes to a shrink and
says,
'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me. Every evening she
goes to Larry's bar and picks
up men. She goes with
anybody who asks her! I'm
going crazy.. What should I
do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take
a deep breath and calm
down. Now, tell me, exactly
where is Larry's bar?'
AHAHAHAHA.
Another JOKE .
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant
programmer, can always be
found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.
Bob works independently,
without
3 wasting company time talking
to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting
fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on
time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his
work, sometimes skipping
coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high
accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly
believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber
employee, the type which
cannot be
11 dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend
that Bob be
12 promoted to executive
management, and a proposal will
be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my
shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly
re-read only the ODD numbered
lines.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Another JOKE .
A Rasta man walks into a bank carrying a bag of weed nd hands it over 2
da cashier,SHOCKED! The cashier asks: wats dis 4? The Rasta replied: am
here 2 open a JOINT account.
hahahahahahASHAHAHA
Another JOKE .
this iz just 2 funny....HERE IS THE JOKE :::::::::::
2 detectives trained in spotting clues go on a camping trip. They set up their tent in è woods & fall asleep. Some hrs later è detective wakes up & says 2 hs friend "look @ è sky & tell me what u see." The 2nd replies "l see a million stars." 1st detective says "what does that tell u?" 2nd guy says "astronomically it tells me there r millions of galaxies & potentially billions of planets. Astrologically it tells me Libra is in Leo. Timewise it appears 2 be a quater past 3. Theologically, it is evident è Lord is all powerful & we r small & insignificant. Meteorologically it seems we'll hv a beautiful day 2morow. What does it tell u?" the 1st detective says "u idiot, it tells me someone hs stolen our tent!"
hahahahahaha.
Another JOKE .
THIS IS FUNNY LIK WOOOOOOW !!!!.Enjoy.
Pastor: u need to join the army of the lord
Jonny: i'm already in the army of the lord.
Pastor: how come i see u only at xmas and easter?
Jonny: I'm in the secret service!
hahahahahaha!!!
Another JOKE .
hav u ever noticed that it's ONLY in Kenya wea pple dont want to be responsible for finishing there sentences...... Nikae......nda, sio po.....a
HAHAHAHAHAH.
Anotha joke#################################################....
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks the lawyer, "what are your rates?", The lawyer answeres, "I charge $100 per 3 questions." The guy asks, "That's rather expensive for only 3 questions, isn't it?" . lawyer answeres, "Yes it is. And your final question?"
Anotha Joke...........
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for
company. One day, the
dog starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is
lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious
intention of having him for lunch.
The dog thinks, "OK, I'm in
deep trouble now!" Then he
noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the
dog exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-
stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he
goes. But the dog saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What
am I going to do now?" But
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear,
the dog says..................
"Where's that darn monkey?
Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Another JOKE :::
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there
is nothing left!!!
Another JOKE .
He said..........What do u call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
She replied..... A widow
Another JOKE .
A motorist driving by a Texas
ranch hit and killed a calf that
was crossing the road. The driver
went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened. He
then asked what the animal was
worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the
rancher. “But in six years it
would have been worth $900. So $
900 is what I ’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote
out a check and handed it to the
farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check
for $900. It’s post-dated six
years from now.”
Another JOKE .
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
often. But push the wrong button and your is disconnected.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his
sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Another JOKE .
We all know that mothers nd daughters inlaw dnt realy get along.1 day
the husbands makes a trip 4 their wives nd motherz 2 go nd bond.ther r
2 separate transports 4 motherz in law nd daughterz in law....as they
r on the way the driver stops the bus nd tell the wives:im sry bt
therz bn an excident,all yr motherz in law r dead...they r prtndn 2 b
hurt nd they r sobbing.bt 1 of em is crying so hard,then 1 ask her:wow
gal did u lv yr mother in law that much?she answers:no,she misd the
bus
Another JOKE .
Ole Johnny goes in2 a gunshop 2 buy 1.
After alot of testing n inquiries he finally sees a gun that he likes
and he asks to buy it.
Johnny: 'well,how does it handle?'
attendant: very nice.powerful,strong recoil,with minimal noise...very
nice...
Johnny: perfect.i'll have one...
Attendant: and to what intent do you plan to use the gun?
Johnny: to shoot cans...
Attendant: i have a better gun for beer cans. Smaller,smooth
handling...
Johnny: Not those cans dimwit! I mean bigger cans like...AfriCANS
AmeriCANS JamaiCANS MexiCANS....
Another JOKE .
who said english is easy.Fil in the blank wit yes or no. 1. ___i dont
have a brain 2. ___ i dont have sense 3. ___i'm stupid
Another JOKE .
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%
Here’s a little mathematical
formula that might help you
answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will
take you. A-S-S-K-I-C-K-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =
118%
So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you
close, and Attitude will
get you there, it ’s the BullshiT and Ass kicking that will put you
over the top.
Another JOKE .
THREE NUNS WHO WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEANINNG AT THE PASTOR'S HOUSE
MEET;
FIRST NUN: DO U KNOW WHAT I FOUND WHEN I WAS SWEPIN DA HOUSE LAST
NITE?NO...?REPLYED THE OTHERS
FIRST NUN:I FOUND SOME SEX MAGAZINGS!!
AND WAT DID U DO WIT THEM?ASKD DA SECOND NUN.I
THROW THEM AWAY ...ANSWERED THE FIRST NUN.
DO U WAT I FOUND UNDER HIS PILLOWS?ASKD THE SECOND NUN..
NO ..?I FOUND SOME PACKETS OF CONDOMS N I PINCHED ALL OF THEM WIT A
NIDDLE..THE THIRD NUN COLAPSED!!!!?
Another JOKE .
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country
road.
Mugabe told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the
farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked
on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed
hours. When he came out, Mugabe was confused about why his employee
had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with
kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Mugabe asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Robert Mugabe's driver
and I'd just killed the pig.
Another JOKE .
I begged God for a bike but God does not work that way so i stole a
bike and begged for forgiveness
Another JOKE .
Two young men in different parts of the world, at exactly the same
time: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other
is getting a his toes done from an 85-year old woman. They are each
thinking the exact same thing.
Q. What are they thinking?
A. Don't look down.
Another JOKE .
And Jesus said to John the Baptist "Come forth and I will give you
eternal life". John came fifth. He won a toaster....
Another JOKE .
If peeing is referred to as a 'short-call' and taking a dump a
'long-call',shouldn't farting be referred to as 'missed call'??
Another JOKE .
One day a thin man met a fat man in the hotel lobby.
"From th looks of you,"said th fat man,"there must have been a
famine?"
"Yes,"th reply came,"and by the looks of you,yu must have caused it."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh
blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some
sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started
hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off
and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow
me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
of trees.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I HECK DIDN'T.
Another JOKE .
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God took a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael. Look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a
planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?"
inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different
parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over
there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
floo s.chick: and over there is a continent of black people," God
continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The
Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land in the
eastern part of Africa and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Kenya the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful beaches, mountains, streams, hills, and water falls.
The people from Kenya are going to be very handsome, modest,
intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the
world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace, play football and go to the
Olympics." Michael
floo s.chick: Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be
balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots that will run their
government."
Another JOKE .
There is a truck driver driving
along, and he stops and picks up
a priest to give him a ride.
He’s driving down the highway and
he sees a lawyer along the side of
the road and things, “Hot damn!
A lawyer that I could run over!”
So he speeds up and heads
straight for him.
At the last second he remembers
the priest with him. So he
swerves real quick to miss him,
but still hears a thump. He looks
behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that
was a close one, I almost hit that
lawyer !”
The priest then replies “That’s
ok son, I got him with my door.”
Another JOKE .
Mugabe ordered stamps wid his portrait to be manufactured in his
honour.After a while complaints were made dat the stamps were not
sticking.Investigation conducted revealed the reason:PEOPLE WERE
SPITTING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STAMP.
Another JOKE .
*why did the chicken cross the road*(how famous ppl wud ans the qst)
PART 2.
Darwin: chickens,over a great period of time,have been naturaly
selected in such a way that they r nw geneticaly dispositioned 2cross
roads.
Bill gates: I have just released the new chicken ofice 2000,whch wil
not only cross roads,but wil lay eggs,file ur important document n
blance ur checkbook.
Hippocrates: bcoz of an excess of lyt pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Saddan hussein: this was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we wer
quite justified in dropin 50tons of nerve gas on it.
Martin luthr king, jr: I envision a world where all chickens wil be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into
questiond.
Mosses: and God came down 4rm heveans and he said to the chicken,
"thou shall cross the road".and the chicken crossed the road.
Nietzcle: bcoz if u gaze too long across the road,the road gazes also
acros u.
Plato: 4 the greater good.
Molly yard: it was a hen!
Another JOKE .
Lil johnny and lil suzy jst finished writing thier exams.
Johnny: it was 2 difficult, i submitted a blank sheet cos i didnt know
d answers 2 d question.
Suzy:i also submitted a blank sheet.
Johnny:but d teacher would think we copied each other!!
Your future depends on your dreams so go to sleep !