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The mother in law influence - 911...... heeeeeelllllppppp!
Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/13/2010 Posts: 869 Location: Nairobi
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[quote=Dia]Wendz, this is the same case in the movie 'Not Easily Broken'. Yes, this is a good movie for her, i have watched it. Here is the trailer:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enGPKeZ3Od4....above all, to stand.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 9/15/2006 Posts: 3,905
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Salala! @bwenyenye mentioned love, how did I forget. In fact, if she still truly loves the man, then all is workable. It's cliche now to say love is not enough, but true love is always more than enough.
@Wendz your heart seems true to your best maid calling, and you have true friendship. But nowadays the trend has changed... Many only want a glamorous best man/maid and when you hear the couple is separating and you're told to shut up?
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Rank: Member Joined: 4/8/2008 Posts: 71
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If there is evidence that the man has "mpango wa kando", there is no marriage to save, it's already broken biblically. @ wendz tell your friend to get evidence and call it a day. Any other issue(including MIL) in the marriage can be dealt through dialogue. Don't let urgent deflect you from the important
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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reox wrote:If there is evidence that the man has "mpango wa kando", there is no marriage to save, it's already broken biblically.
@ wendz tell your friend to get evidence and call it a day. Any other issue(including MIL) in the marriage can be dealt through dialogue. There is no evidence yet... but even then, we have seen families go through past a 'mpango wa kando' and survive.... The good thing is for now, its just suspicion(and i am really hoping it hasnt gotten there) and i think they can work it out. If you ask me, majority of the people who give advise like "pack and go" have never been confronted by this monster in their serious relationships leave alone a marriage... haikuwangi rahisi hivyo, my friend. Ask those who are married and have been confronted by it, suspicion or fact.... its a nightmare.... trust me. You realise how gray it is when you are the one in it (as in, answers are not black and white as we take it when you are a bystander). However, personally, i never advise anyone to pack and go however hard the situation is... its best to leave it for them to decide.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 9/7/2010 Posts: 2,148 Location: elderville
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Wendz wrote:Now, i am in a dilemma.... my best friend of many years is having issues with her husband (who is also a good friend to me too) over her mother's hand in their marriage. The lady's mother seems to have alot of say in the running of this family. Well, the guy doesnt like it but my friend is so convinced that it is for the best of their marriage. i do understand where she is coming from because some of the issues she (the mother) has 'ingiliad' (because it is not intervening so i dont have the correct english word for it and i wouldnt mind someone telling me... intruding sort of?) has been to help them. Problem is, the lady always sides with her mother in everything she proposes and keeps reporting back to her. Me thinks, the guy is feeling like he has lost control of this marriage... but thats my thinking... Now the guy seems like he is kinda sneaking around and the lady is getting frustrated and wants a break...... i know its difficult but it would be sad to see them go that route.
Now, good people, how have you guys been handling this in either your relationships or those close to you who you know had similar problems? i want to be as objective as possible and tell her the real thing as hard as it may be and may be put sense into the whole thing... am supposed to meet my friend today.... How have you been handling this mother in law thing in your families? What are the solutions.... how does this family handle these issues without breaking apart.
And i know how we are in wazua... the next post will say "that friend is you".... its all good with me as long as you let me have your objective solution. Wendz what type of help are we talking about here that needed the mother in law to ingilia and which you do 'understand the lady' on? The fact that you say you do understand where she is coming from suggests to me that the involvement of the mother in law may not have been totally un-warranted. It is all good and all saying the problem is the mother in law but that could just be one of the symptoms of bigger marital problems. From that statement it appears that this couple has had problems even before the mother in law got involved. Could that be the case? He who can express in words the ardour of his love, has but little love to express. - Petrach, Son. (That men by various ways arrive at the same end. - Montaigne, The Essays of.)
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/6/2008 Posts: 3,548
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A bit late but there as you ponder the piece i have, remember ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR. The man i saw solve this situation best i will always remember. It is a bit unrealistic to expect a daughter to be tough on a mother who she is obviously very attached to. The said man realized this and saw there was no point in pestering his dear wife. Remaining cordial with the mother in-law (expecting the wife to do the work) did not leave an opportunity to express his total disapproval. Great man took it upon himself to create a gap between his wife and mother, it took a few shots of whiskey, a visit by said mother in-law, and he let all hell loose on her including giving her a most horrible nickname to her face. Don't let your friend loose his wife and family for the sake of pretentious civility. ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR, tell him to blast her completely point blank in a very ujinga style. The wife cried about it only for the guy to repeat the nickname to her face. Ati "how can you do this to my mom if you love me?", the guy repeats the name and shows some fearful anger the wife just had to keep them apart. Over the years, a distant respect was developed. A New Kenya
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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Elder wrote:
Wendz what type of help are we talking about here that needed the mother in law to ingilia and which you do 'understand the lady' on? The fact that you say you do understand where she is coming from suggests to me that the involvement of the mother in law may not have been totally un-warranted.
It is all good and all saying the problem is the mother in law but that could just be one of the symptoms of bigger marital problems. From that statement it appears that this couple has had problems even before the mother in law got involved. Could that be the case?
True, but the usual couples problems...... those ones are always there in relationships... Her mom has been very very helpful thats why i say i do understand where they are coming from. i think its the line they have not drawn on how far to go. the ones i am referring to are like advises on how to handle some investments, helping them with getting wafanyikazi kwa shamba etc. problem comes in when the mfanyikazi starts reporting to her and she presses her son in law to implement some of her suggestions on how they handle their investments... thats what i am thinking... and which, my friend feels are actually justified but you see, being a man, i think he might be feeling he is being "ruled" over... infact, she(MIL) commented to the son in law(and these are my friend's words), "if you do not do it, i am going to do it myself"... Remember, she is not being malicious when she is doing all this.... she is genuinely trying helping her 'children'. so i hope you understand how tricky the whole issues is....... coz it seems they are both interpreting this 'help' differently.
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Rank: Member Joined: 6/26/2008 Posts: 365
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Much Know wrote:A bit late but there as you ponder the piece i have, remember ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.
The man i saw solve this situation best i will always remember. It is a bit unrealistic to expect a daughter to be tough on a mother who she is obviously very attached to. The said man realized this and saw there was no point in pestering his dear wife. Remaining cordial with the mother in-law (expecting the wife to do the work) did not leave an opportunity to express his total disapproval. Great man took it upon himself to create a gap between his wife and mother, it took a few shots of whiskey, a visit by said mother in-law, and he let all hell loose on her including giving her a most horrible nickname to her face. Don't let your friend loose his wife and family for the sake of pretentious civility. ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR, tell him to blast her completely point blank in a very ujinga style. The wife cried about it only for the guy to repeat the nickname to her face. Ati "how can you do this to my mom if you love me?", the guy repeats the name and shows some fearful anger the wife just had to keep them apart. Over the years, a distant respect was developed. Uuiiiiii! that is gross. How come the men will alienate the wives from their family yet they will not do the same with their own families. Yet when things go wrong where will the wife run to. I think that is just a ploy to make sure the wife has no support from whichever quarters. That way it's easy for the husbands to manipulate their wives. My opinion. If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love - Maya Angelou
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Rank: Elder Joined: 9/7/2010 Posts: 2,148 Location: elderville
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Wendz wrote:Elder wrote:
Wendz what type of help are we talking about here that needed the mother in law to ingilia and which you do 'understand the lady' on? The fact that you say you do understand where she is coming from suggests to me that the involvement of the mother in law may not have been totally un-warranted.
It is all good and all saying the problem is the mother in law but that could just be one of the symptoms of bigger marital problems. From that statement it appears that this couple has had problems even before the mother in law got involved. Could that be the case?
True, but the usual couples problems...... those ones are always there in relationships... Her mom has been very very helpful thats why i say i do understand where they are coming from. i think its the line they have not drawn on how far to go. the ones i am referring to are like advises on how to handle some investments, helping them with getting wafanyikazi kwa shamba etc. problem comes in when the mfanyikazi starts reporting to her and she presses her son in law to implement some of her suggestions on how they handle their investments... thats what i am thinking... and which, my friend feels are actually justified but you see, being a man, i think he might be feeling he is being "ruled" over... infact, she(MIL) commented to the son in law(and these are my friend's words), "if you do not do it, i am going to do it myself"... Remember, she is not being malicious when she is doing all this.... she is genuinely trying helping her 'children'. so i hope you understand how tricky the whole issues is....... coz it seems they are both interpreting this 'help' differently. As it seems that the mother in law's 'assistance' may not be totally unreasonable let her and her daughter work on the delivery. She should not really be letting these 'orders' to be coming directly from the mum as some previous poster already suggested and should remember that most times it is better to direct a man a given way subtlety and patiently as men generally don't like being told what to do all the time. She should also realise that a consensus in most decisions in marriage especially on investment is necessary. Having wedded and all I imagine that they underwent counselling from some priest or pastor. This may be the time to look him up again. He who can express in words the ardour of his love, has but little love to express. - Petrach, Son. (That men by various ways arrive at the same end. - Montaigne, The Essays of.)
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/6/2008 Posts: 3,548
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@Jacy, there should be really no "incase" when talking about "husband & wife" and "others", perhaps kidogo tu. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions", your mother in-laws intentions tupa inje. Total Ujinga is the only way out here in my view, sorry to say but being cordial and "trying to understand" the mother in-law when you clearly can feel the pressure will leave only one route out, affairs. Ujinga is the only way out, you can go and repent in church or in heaven but let the ujinga play it's part A New Kenya
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/18/2009 Posts: 175
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@much how would you fill if somebody abused your mother on her face when you are there cause they dont like what they do. I think its totally immature. Some you win some you lose
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 10/8/2008 Posts: 1,575
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/6/2008 Posts: 3,548
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@Mtu, i would not lightly advocate such actions, but to save the marriage, i would rather be than play mature. My wife calling my mother names, i would not be the first nor the last, but i should have the sense to know the two might never mix and act accordingly, wacha wife, sad to say, i have had to "expertly" side with girlfriends. When a nuclear bomb was dropped on millions of innocent children and families, there appears to have been some justification. The example's wife complained about it for years, but they are still tight, no interference, she knows there could be very bad consequences of bringing people between without enough consultation. People don't get married "with experience", you are guided by what you see with others. You can't always take the highroad, people will walk all over you and your life, and some people certainly need to be controlled. I am sure the guy has already talked to his wife enough times about the issue, it's time to lipua a bomb. A New Kenya
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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Wendz, the deep friendship you have built with the couple over the years makes it difficult for you to judge both sides impartially, without any emotion, favour or leaning towards any party (btw, you appear to lean sana towards the lady pal - meaning the guy's version of events/ story is still unheard and since nature abhors a vacuum this is why his actions - real or imagined - make him be susceptible to suspicion of whatever). You are a woman, so is she and you could be further be subconsciously inclined towards her. Yet its all human.
Trust is broken - Your lady pal clearly trusts her momma's judgment more than her hubby's, why? what caused the breach?
Get a disinterested, objective person who commands their mutual trust & respect to bring the course of their marriage on track. It has nothing to do with the innocent mother-in-love who everybody seems 2 be vilifying, but everything to do with her daughter who lends her mum her ear - and marriage - to do with as she pleases.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 6/11/2008 Posts: 892
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Its fashionable to attack the mothet here but i dont think thats the way forward.. This man is to blame for allowing her mum to run his home. Face the wife and state the facts ad they are and stop such populist tendencies as thinking she will overeact. If the wife doesnt change, escalate to wazees, be it church elderrs or whoever u escalate to if she doesnt change, officially take her back to her parents . By this time, both the mum and wie have reevaluated selves tell ua friend and self too to know when to be a lion and when to be a lamb For in him (Jesus) we live and move and have our being-Acts 17:28
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/19/2007 Posts: 2,047
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Huyu sasa ni husband ama ni sculpture?
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Wendz Yu shua she aint a member n' has read all this????.....that would be best for her, to see it in black n' white..... ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 8/11/2010 Posts: 1,588
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famooz wrote:Huyu sasa ni husband ama ni sculpture? sijui ni kikaragosi sijui what.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/19/2007 Posts: 2,047
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@ yesuwangu ati kikaragosi?  Spiritually speaking the man is the head of the household- the two leave,cleave and become one flesh- they are no longer two but one!Since these two have even done a wedding,one would assume that they received some counseling on how to run their home,based on biblical principles ? If they are not spiritual,there is something called 'societal norms'- where i come from,this situation would have resolved itself as soon as it began- because huko hakuna vikaragosi  This man has options.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 10/17/2008 Posts: 1,234
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YesuWangu wrote:famooz wrote:Huyu sasa ni husband ama ni sculpture? sijui ni kikaragosi sijui what. kikaragosi - nini hi?
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The mother in law influence - 911...... heeeeeelllllppppp!
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