C&P
Did you ever know that the beer you take defines your character?...Well..my brief research has confirmed so and here we go....
Guiness!
This is for the mlevi mwenyewe, the guy that doesnt get drunk. If you see a guy taking guiness kubwa kwa club, huyo ni msee wa kunywa vitu zingine za ajaabu akiwa mtaani, the sort of napoleon, kane extra na king king. The guy has landed on guiness kwa bar coz its the most lethal drink there. It is also claimed it has hidden libido powers, guys are advised to take three guinessess before heading home for theit conjugal rights. So if you see a guy alone drinking guiness, just know hes getting lucky tonight.
If its a chick taking guiness, achana na yeye. Those are those type we call wrong numbers. those that go to monte carlo and club chemil for reggae sessions na anaeza kupiga ngumi if you touch her inappropriately.
Tusker!
Ahhh, tusker, easily the most consumed brand in kenya. Guyz who take tusker enjoy their time to enjoy beer, they usually down it with nyama choma and are the sort of people you hear entered a bar and left 36hrs later walking straight. Are easily identifiable with their huge vitambis.AND there is the other tusker consumer who doesnt belong there. Will usually order a tusker when in nice hang out joints to potray the image of being a gentleman. These are the type of people who frequent backstreet pubs huko riverroad for their dosage of keg and some funny poisons before proceding to the nice joint. Are the sort of guyz
who get really wasted and start puking after four tuskers coz that mixture is like oil and water, its never going to happen.
A chile taking tusker is just confused, most probably ni chips funga.
White cap
Not every tom, dick and harry's beer, its got class with its name. So dont be surprised if your local doesnt stock it. And if it stocks it, that crate might stay there for months and consumed only when other beers are out of stock and its 12 midnight and guys are high. Belongs to the category called reserve beer. Consumers of this brand
want to establish themselves as people who have made it, in most cases, theyve actuallymade it in life. So if you are a struggling mlevi who drinks on credit, this beer is not for you.,
Tusker Malt.
The drink that is associated with 'class and sophistication'. Loads of nonsense I must say, people who drink this beer just want to stand out of a crowd, sierra beer also falls in this class. These are typically the people who run to every other new offer that hits the market, like the new zain 3 bob calls. If Steam engine was packed in a trendy green bottle, tusker malt guyz would have switched alliances faster than you can say 'mayai mboilo'. So next time you go out, be wary of that chick your tuning whos drinking tusker malt, shes more likely to be sliced. Most guyz drink this stuff to create the impression of a cool guy, but once he hits the usual backstreet bars, utashangaa vile Ka-half ya KC huisha na sip tatu.
.
Pilsner.
Yeah, the typical jamaaz beer, and most probably always high all the time. These are dudes and duddetes who lived the mad session jams, were in boarding school bla bla bla, etc etc etc. To sum it up, all confused teenagers and campus students take this beer. And be wary of pilsner takers, these are the people who are all over the floor dancing some styles only God Knows where they originated from, are the dudes who think they can slice your fiancee with their dance moves, are the guys who puke all over the toilets, yeah you get the point. Only silly and immature people take pilsner. And the leading distributor of this brand has to be Tacos
Black ice.
For the ladies ambao wako na nyege, who need to get laid that night and soonest as possible, hata kama ni kwa gari, bora hiyo shuma iingie. Guys who take this stuff are on high grade weed or something, research hasnt come up with a logical explanation for this. New records have been set with this brand by broke ladies who are out to be bought drinks. sample these statistics.
Longest duration to consume one bottle. 8 hours
Highest number of girls sharing one bottle: 5 ladies (from buruburu)
Survival tactics: dancing all night, preferably next to loaded jammaz.
Most horrific moments: The waiter taking your bottle while still a quarter way full.
Survival tactics: Drinking with straws, refilling with water, swapping half empty bottles with full ones.
Merriest statement: Waletee hawa wasichana mbili mbili, ama u want how many?
Red ice.
For reserved ladies whol get wasted slower than their black ice counterparts, but will still get laid anyway. Has a survival tactic, though rarely used. And thats refilling it with ice berg, you wouldnt notice the difference in those dark pubs you frequent.
Finally, if you partake these concotions, then you are definately a kamlevi in the making.
NApoleon aka naps napizo,
kenya king aka king king,
visa aka ndauo aka maathai
keg aka cupling
kane extra
iceberg
black and white aka greatwall etc
You are the type that goes to clubs wasted enough to see double, the type that goes to bars to dance whole night till morning light, the type that gets wasted at backstreets before venturing for lap mwenda in clubs, sportsman is definately your prefferd cancer stick, and often the word halflife is equated in that cancer stick,you probably know the pickpockets in clubs if you are not one, you probably drink two beers mpaka asubuhi, the type that harrases women on dance floors, the type that pick up fights in bars etc etc. the list goes on and on. In short, you are the type that make people not to enjoy their drinks and nights out.
Don't let urgent deflect you from the important